Sideways Mencken

In Which I Explain Sport Peppers

2009-04-05T16:10:00.002-04:00

I do a Q and A for the London Telegraph on the subject of Chicago:

My kind of town.

They cut some stuff. For example, under the category of souvenirs, I added the extra suggestion of a local or state politician, since they are obviously for sale, and Rod Blagojevich is small enough to fit into your luggage.

But of course they cut that and left in the part where I diss the Taste of Chicago. But I said it, so I guess I own it.

London

2009-04-02T17:43:00.003-04:00

So, I'm in London about halfway through this book tour thing. Today I did some improv stuff for Wordia.com. That went fine. As did the interview with 13 year-old Hugh yesterday. And the Burgers with Booksellers thing last night.

But today I had to give an actual speech. A dozen people in a small room. No podium. Nothing to separate me from those piercing, judgmental, critical eyes. The eyes! The . . . eyes!

Okay, actually there were no eyes. It was a dozen eyeless people. And that was creepy, quite frankly.

Anyway, I give this speech. And there's a kind of appalled silence. Questions anyone? Yes, I have a question: what the hell is the matter with you? What in God's name does Ulysses S. Grant have to do with your book?

Here's what was cool tonight. I walked from my hotel at London Bridge all the way to Selfridge's department store on Vegemite Street. (That's right: I am sticking with the Vegemite.) A long walk. Maybe an hour or so. Over the bridge, through the City of London with banker types spilling out of pubs, drinking beer and smoking cigarettes. Along the river. Run-down old ships anchored along the way, turned into banquet halls. A drunk, skinny punk and his mate hoot and challenge, looking for trouble. I'm wearing a topcoat. Hands come out of pockets, we exchange glares, they decide that I may be a little larger than they'd like.

I walked through Trafalgar, said "Dude!" to Nelson way the hell up on his column. Through Picadilly Circus. (Turns out it's not actually a circus. Huh. Not so much as an elephant.) Think Times Square minus 90% of the neon. The Brits still can't touch us for jaw-dropping over-the-top excess. Seriously: their bankers are still stealing millions, apparently unaware that we've all moved on to stealing billions.

Up Regent Street which is unfortunately all the same damned stores we have in the States. But there were all these tiny side streets I didn't have time to wander down. A trio played what was probably Mozart, the cello drowned out by passing cop cars.

At each street I pause, check the "Look Left," or "Look Right" signs painted on the street. It's bad enough these people insist on driving on the wrong side of the road, but every other street is one-way so there's no way to make any sense of it.

I finally reached Selfridge's which is a world-class department store. Dutifully bought crap for my kids. Spent a small fortune on four cigars from a certain Caribbean nation which shall remain nameless because we don't want to poke US customes in the eye, now do we?

Cab back to London Bridge. London cabs are flat out the best in the world. No! Don't bother to argue. They find their way around a city that was, as we know from history, laid out not by an architect but by drunken sailors on leave from Her Majesty's Navy. What they would do is tie a string to a sailor before he was given his freedom and a guinea (no, not an Italian, Jesus, keep up,) and told to go wherever he wanted. The sailor promptly took a large quantity of rum on board, set off in pursuit of hookers and wherever he went, that became a London street.

Yeah, I'm pretty sure that's true. I checked Wikipedia.

Picked up a sandwich and cheese at Marks and Spencer in the train station. Insipid bottled bitters. Good cheese. Peaches. A puzzling sandwich.

I'm back in my room, sated, scanning British TV. Sweet lord: they'll put a gardening show on in prime time! People are planting flowers at 9:00 pm. Seriously? We're mulching in prime time? American TV executives must come over here and think they're anthroppologists studying aboriginies. Do these people know nothing of The Demo?

Yesterday I was watching Robin Hood, and Friar Tuck was a black dude. No explanation. None of the Merry Men saying, "Jesus, it's the 12th freaking century, it's freaking England, none of us has ever traveled further than Ye Olde Swine Faire over in Twaddle, and yet, here's a black dude and we don't even notice!"

English Guys: as the more experienced member of the Special Relationship when it comes to racial balance in TV, allow me to gently suggest: it's okay to mention that a black guy might stand out in Sherwood Forest. That's not racially insensitive. You know, as it turns out, black people know they didn't play much of a part in fighting the Sherrif of Nottingham. I'm sure they would have been happy to help out, but your typical Masai was not terribly well-informed on the whole John vs. Richard the Lion Heart thing.

Anyway, Moll Flanders is on now, and it's an American movie with a bunch of American actors pretending to be English. And Morgan Freeman. So much for laughing at British racial idiocy. But on the other hand you can't argue with Morgan Freeman. There's never a bad time to have Morgan Freeman around. He could be here, right now, narrating and I'd be cool with that.

Morgan Freeman: "Michael takes another swig from the bottle of Bowmore 12 year." How great would your life be if Morgan Freeman was doing the voice over?

The point is -- and you thought I had no point, hah! -- is that London is like the woman you deliberately don't get to know because you're happily married. (WTF? Seriously? That's your analogy?) I think I could totally fall for this city. And I can't. Kids, schools, sunshine . . . all that is great in California.

But I almost have to avert my gaze, not look at London too much, not think about it too much. Because it may be the greatest city on earth. It seduces without trying. And I can't live here.

I'm Going To Make It The G-21

2009-03-28T19:56:00.002-04:00

So, off to London this afternoon for a week-long book tour thing. Sign some books, schmooze with booksellers, hang out with the Egmont people, do some panel, an interview or two. And then on Wednesday I'm hoping to get some free time so I can watch the demonstrations/riots at the G-20.

Apparently demonstrators will be converging on the Bank of England, which is just across London Bridge from my hotel. I'm supposed to be running around from bookstore to bookstore while all this converging is going on, glad-handing and signing books and generally being charming. Yes, that last one is a stretch.

Meanwhile the demonstrators will be shouting whatever it is one shouts at central bankers. I'm going to guess: No more bailouts! But it could be: Longer weekend hours! Or: Shorter lines at the drive-thru! Or: Hotter tellers!

I'm not sure. Because like every single member of the human species, I have no idea how to solve the economic and financial crises. Oh, there are plenty of people who think they know how to solve it all. But they don't. When you have ten experts and you hear two opinions from them, that's standard partisanship. When you have ten experts and you hear ten opinions, you have "experts" in quotes and none of them knows a damn thing for sure.

Nevertheless, people enjoy a good rage, so a lot of people will pour into the streets of London, surround the B of E, and furiously demand conflicting or even nonsensical solutions to a problem the guys inside the Bank of England will have no clue how to solve.

Good times, good times.

Here's my defense in case the rioters turn on me as I'm passing by: I only ever took out 30 year fixed mortgages! Or possibly: I'm just a stockholder and I never even bought on margin!

Or I could run away, but really, at my age what are the odds that I can outrun a wild-eyed anarchist? I could maybe beat one up, because it's not like they can organize and come after me in a group, but really, I'm hoping that if beating is required I can be matched against some mildly irate Unitarians rather than, say, drunken punks.

Here's my defense in case I am chased by drunken punks: I love Rancid and even the solo projects Lars Frederiksen and Tim Armstrong do!

And if it's Unitarians? I appreciate your lack of dogma!

Or maybe I'll just skip the whole thing, stay in the hotel bar and get drunk.

Focus You Idiots

2009-03-20T16:41:00.004-04:00

You know, I get that the AIG bonus thing makes for lots of fun cable news outrage. For 24 hours. But we're past that now. So could we please, for Christ's sake, get back to something actually important?

This is the equivalent of a cable news missing-blonde obsession. And unfortunately the cretins in Congress can't manage to tear themselves away from the chance to ramble and spout and pontificate on this easy target.

Move the fuck on. Honest to God, we have actual fucking problems. Problems with trillion dollar price tags. Jesus Christ on a goddamned pogo stick: fucking focus!

Idiots.

Anointed By The King

2009-03-15T01:10:00.004-04:00

Today Stephen King — yeah, that Stephen King — wrote this to my editor, Katherine Tegen:

I’ve been corresponding with your “Michael Grant” about his Gone books. More important, I’ve been reading the Gone books–the first and Hunger, the follow-up. These are exciting, high-tension stories told in a driving, torrential narrative that never lets up. There are monsters, there are kids with mad-crazy super powers, there’s the mystery of where all the adults went. Most of all, there are children I can believe in and root for. This is great fiction.

If you want to quote any or all of that, be my guest. I love these books.

Stephen King

I don’t want to go all sincere on you people, but if you showed me starred reviews from everyone with a star to give, it wouldn’t mean as much to me as this does. Reviews are really great. But this is Stephen King.

If you get past my affinity for German cars, tasting menus, molecular cuisine and single malt whiskeys (ahem) I’m a blue collar guy. My father was Army. I had a decidedly lower middle class childhood. High School drop-out. College drop-out. I was a stock clerk, a house painter, an office cleaner, a resident manager of crappy apartment buildings. But mostly I was a waiter. For a decade.

When I waited tables I carried a bigger station than anyone else in a given restaurant and I worked more shifts. I worked every shift they’d let me have. I would carry eight tables — two regular stations — and do it 7 nights a week. I love work. Work gave meaning and structure to my life and even at my lowest, when I was a hopeless screw-up, when I was broke and (deservedly) friendless I still worked my ass off. At one point in my life I was sleeping under an overpass in Austin, Texas, with my busboy black-and-whites in a locker at the Trailways station and I still worked every shift.

There are a lot of good writers out there. There are other people who can write (almost) as well as Stephen King. But no one else is as good as he is and also as hard working. He doesn’t stop. He doesn’t let up. He doesn’t whine about writer’s block. He gets it done, and when he gets it done it kicks ass. He’s seven years older than I am, he’s been through addiction, and he got run over and almost killed for God’s sake, and he still outworks me. He carries that eight table station on a Saturday and he’s got everyone loving him at the end of the night.

If there’s one guy I want to be when I grow up (an event delayed by, oh, about 30 years so far,) it’s Stephen King. I’ve had some high points in writing: big checks, bestseller lists, fans, nice reviews. But this? This is really cool.

Tragic Nerd Fantasies

2009-03-08T00:03:00.007-05:00

That's me in the top picture. See, I have this packable fedora, right? I wear it to keep the sun out of my eyes as I write. But I also like the noise-canceling headphones for listening to music. Hence, the look.

I think I look really, really hot. Oh yeah, bay-bee.

The second picture is Angelina Jolie who, as you know, is the Octo Mom. No, that's not true. She's married to Brad Pitt.

If Angelina ever left Brad you know what she would do? She'd run to my arms.

What. You don't think so?

I ridicule myself this way to make a point. Republicans believe that if we all turn against Obama, we will run to the waiting arms of this guy:

Or this guy:

Or this guy:

Yes, they are that deluded.

The party of Rush Limbaugh, George W. Bush, John "Tanning Bed" Boehner, Mitch McConnell, Michael Steele, Bobby Jindal and Sarah Palin actually believes they are that close to regaining power. No, seriously. They do.

They think the if the Captain of the football team drops out the Prom Queen will belong to the pizza-faced nerd.

They are that out of touch. They are that delusional. It's tragic, in a cruelly funny sort of way. They just don't get that we'd sooner paint ourselves blue and run naked through the streets than ever be seen with them.

I mean, ewwww.

Michaelnomics (Updated)

2009-03-03T22:59:00.007-05:00

One of the many religious tenets of the Church of Saint Ronnie O'Reagan is this: if you raise marginal rates on the well-off, the well-off will stop trying to earn money. You can see some of that in comments here.

I'm no economist. (Also no brain surgeon, rocket scientist or hedge fund manager.) But I understand my own, personal economics.

By virtue of being just so darned brilliant I have a good couple of years ahead economically. (Touch wood, throw black cat over shoulder. Or however that goes.) In fact, I have an ass-load of work. And for that work I'll earn half an ass-load of money.

But, let's say a publisher suggests that I might be in line for still more work. At roughly the same time Mr. Obama and Mr. Schwarzzenegger sidle up beside me, each armed with a big tube of KY and looking for a little Michael love.

So, knowing that my marginal tax rate is going up, what do I do? Duh. I jump at the chance to work harder. Why? Because . . . and Republicans might want to lean close to hear this . . . 40% of SOMETHING beats hell out of 60% of NOTHING.

See, kids, here's the thing: if I have a choice between more money and less money, you know what I always choose? More. I know: controversial. But me, I like more. It's so much better than less.

Let's break this down for the slow class. Let's say this publisher offers to pay us 100k. In the old days that would translate to 60k. Now it will translate to 40k. The Republican theory is that I would LEAP to snatch up that 60, but RUN AWAY from the 40.

And you wonder how they managed to bankrupt the country.

In fact, and here's the salient point, I will take the deal in part because of the tax increase. That's right: I will work harder because of the tax increases. You know why? Because all my other deals just went from 60 to 40, too. And, as discussed above, I like more money rather than less.

Mr. Obama and Mr. Schwarzzenegger are going to take 60% rather than 40%, so I have to make that up somewhere. Right? I'm going to make it up by working more and harder. In other words, I'll have to become more productive. And in the process I will create jobs. Most of that money will go to editors, publicity people, lawyers, corporate weasels, Borders truck drivers and Barnes and Noble clerks.

If Republican theory were correct I'd turn down this theoretical deal. Which I would do. If I were a fucking idiot.

Higher marginal tax rates don't make me want to work less. They make me want to work more. I suspect they have the same effect on anyone who is in a position to increase his productivity.

UPDATE #1: It may not be obvious but the 40%/60% numbers are place holders. God only knows what the actual numbers will end up being.

UPDATE #2: For a much more thoughtful, well-researched post on the subject go here.

Outperforming Eunuchs

2009-03-03T20:28:00.003-05:00

What is the point in writing about politics now? I mean, I need some opposition to really get motivated. There has to be some jeopardy. It's a sport to me, you know? And this game is so one-sided it's Godzilla vs. Bambi. It's like debating a coma victim. It's like boxing a corpse. Outwitting a hamster. Outperforming a eunuch. Um. . . that's all I can think of right now.

Is there any way the GOP could be more thoroughly fucked?

Obama is riding high. The Democratic Party outpolls the GOP two-to-one. The public has said Mr. Obama inherited this mess and is ready to be patient.

The right track/wrong track number just took its single biggest peacetime jump ever.

And the public is quite clear on this: any failure of bipartisanship is the fault of Republicans.

Meanwhile, GOP pooh-bahs are left to argue whether they should genuflect to a deeply unattractive, drug-addicted, race-baiting, philosophically incoherent radio talk show host; or whether they need to actually drop to their knees and blow the deeply unattractive, drug-addicted, race-baiting, philosophically incoherent radio talk show host.

Ours: Barack Obama.
Theirs: Rush Limbaugh.

Seriously. Why bother?

Why So Quiet, Michael?

2009-02-26T01:30:00.002-05:00

It seems I have a quota. Who knew? When I'm writing 5 or 6 pages a day of actual paid work, I blog here, I blog at my kidlit blog, I run around annoying people by posting comments on their blogs. When I'm writing ten or twelve pages a day of actual work I pretty much don't write anything else.

I'm in the last chapters of a book. 550 pages, give or take, and the way it's built is that the last 75 pages or so are lots of quick-cut action scenes. This is my favorite stuff. I hate writing exposition. He said, she said, he felt, she thought, that's not fun to write. Yesterday I had a character hanging in the air above whirling helicopter blades. Now that's fun to write.

When I'm writing the fun stuff I don't blog because I hit my quota in paying work. But it suggests that there's some fixed number of words I have to spew on any given day. Today I got distracted while working. I only nailed about four pages. So here I am.

Jindal Makes Me Laugh

2009-02-24T22:58:00.003-05:00

We couldn't at first figure out why Bobby Jindal made us laugh so hard. One reason here. That plus the jaw-dropping content. Really, Bobby? You're bringing up Katrina? Telling us there's no hope from government? In Louisiana?

This is the great non-white hope of the Republican Party? This clown and Sarah Palin?

Form the committee. I'll write a check.

Republicans: So Completely Fucked.

2009-02-24T22:22:00.002-05:00

I swear to God I have tried to help my Republican and right-of-center friends. I've tried to warn you that Obama was neither a fool, nor Bambi, nor a radical, nor a crook, nor a naif. I tried to tell you.

But, no.

I said, this guy is smart. This guy is subtle. This guy is ruthless. He's going to bend you over and the smart move, the only smart move, was to grab a piece and claim an assist.

And none of my Republican friends listened.

The GOP jumped out there to present its goose-egg on the stimulus plan, sticking their aged, palsied chins wayyyy out. And tonight Obama delivered a Sugar Ray Obama uppercut that knocked the silly twats on their asses. The Limbaugh Party was just run over by the steamroller of history.

Dear Republicans: It's 1856, and you're Whigs.

Survivor Guilt

2009-02-20T02:34:00.003-05:00

Can we dispense with one thing up front? It's not the "magic of the marketplace." There's no magic. There was never any magic.

The free -- or freeish -- market is the best way we've found so far to ensure that more people are eating than are starving. It works. But it doesn't work pretty. It's crude. It's messy. It works like a 20 year-old Compaq with a frayed power cord. It gets the job done, but magic? No. So don't make a religion out of it. Don't pray to it. It's not Jesus. It's not Jehovah. It's not the Buddha. It's not even Harry Potter.

The marketplace is devoid of morality. It doesn't reward the good and punish the bad. It doesn't even reward the hard working. Or the smart. Or the capable. It shoves a bunch of money into the pockets of people who may, taken as a group, be somewhat more capable than those who aren't getting the cash, but that in no way suggests that any blessed individual is deserving or any screwed individual is undeserving.

It's hit or miss. It's not a smart bomb, it's a World War 2 era 1000-pounder falling from a meandering prop plane: it means to hit a target, but mostly it misses, and when it does blow up a target it tends to blow up a few houses next door. And a church. Maybe an orphanage. Crudely effective, not magic.

A drunk usually manages to drive himself home without hitting anyone, but that doesn't make the drunk a wizard.

But talk about the marketplace this way, as the leeches and enemas of economic systems, and people get very pissy. See, people need magic. They need faith in something perfect. So they need to believe that the economic system is somehow akin to God. They need the system to be benign and rational and moral.

The winners need to believe they deserve what they get, and the losers need to believe that all they really need to do is try again and they, too, will be winners. It's about 75% bullshit. Because as much as people hate to hear it, success or failure is, like all of life, affected by more than free will and positive thinking. DNA, environment and pure luck all have a role in your life. And the magic of the marketplace doesn't somehow exert its magical magitude and reshuffle that deck.

It looks right now as if 2009 will be a good year for me, marketplace-wise. You know why? Because some wad of gray goo in a corner of my brain was formed by DNA and environment into a tiny, slimy little plot machine. And luck led me to my wife, and put me in an English-speaking country at a time when those facts can be translated into income. If bad luck blows a hole in an artery tomorrow, guess what? Suddenly that wad of gray goo dies and I'm bagging groceries for minimum wage.

That's scary. It's scary to think that all you have, all you are, is a consequence of some kind of alchemy between DNA, environment, random chance and free will -- four factors that are each part of the other -- but that's the reality. And given what we've seen of the billionaire masters of the universe lately, isn't it time, finally, to admit the truth? There's no magic here. No morality. Assholes win, good people lose. Idiots win and geniuses lose. And other times the reverse. And the system we have isn't wonderful, it stinks. It's just the best we've come up with so far.

Pitiful Drunk

2009-02-17T22:26:00.002-05:00

You ever notice how an agile and disturbed mind can take a compliment and turn it into an insult? My wife is a genius at this. Most wives are. Normally I'm not. Because I'm a man, and we are, as a species, notoriously insensitive.

But I'm talking on the phone to a friend of mine who is a recovering alcoholic. (His terminology, not mine. To me he's a guy who demonstrates more willpower and strength of character every day than I have in the years 1981 to present.) And we're joking about the last time we got together in Hollywood. (Of course the place is irrelevant, but when I said "Hollywood" you paid more attention than if I'd said Glendale, didn't you?)

Anyway, he said, "Reynolds, the thing about you is you never even change demeanor. The difference between sober and five Scotches is: nothing."

Feeling obscurely insulted I said, "Hey, my speech gets slurred."

"Nah, barely. Drunk or sober you're exactly the same."

And it was then that I realized: there is no amount of alcohol that could make me fun at a party. I have no deeper level waiting to be liberated by alcohol or drugs. I'm a unitary creature. Perfectly integrated.

Or shallow. That would be another word for it. Unidimensional.

Absolutely shit-faced I'm still observing, and still judging, and still just as fucking tedious as I am in sober life.

I don't dance. There is no amount of alcohol (or weed) that will make me dance. No amount of alcohol that would induce me to karaoke. Here's how it goes: I take a drink and I'm still me. Another drink, still me. Another, me. Me. Me. Me. Unconscious. There's no transition. I'm me until I pass out and puke all over myself.

It's been bothering me ever since. So I'm going to get really hammered and run naked down the street.

Right.

Pull My What?

2009-02-17T01:48:00.002-05:00

Because life is good to bloggers:

You'll never guess which two App Store developers have engaged in a legal battle over trademark rights to App Store content. A lawyer representing Pull My Finger developer Air-O-Matic has demanded $50,000 from InfoMedia for using the phrase "pull my finger" in reference to their infamous chart-topping fart machine app, iFart Mobile. InfoMedia, not to be out-stunk, has responded by asking a court to rule in their favor.

At one point in my life I was involved in an angry legal tussle over who owned a thing called Barf-O-Rama.

Hi, We're Staring At You.

2009-02-16T23:42:00.002-05:00

Michael Reynolds (Grant), Katherine Appleg*te and Lady Liberty.

Photo by our son, Jake.

Our Top 10 Obscenities

2009-02-16T00:01:00.003-05:00

Your preferences may vary. These are ours:

10) Dick! (Includes Dickhead!)
9) Cocksucker!
8) Motherfucker!
7) Bastard!
6) Son of a bitch! (Variants: Son of a bitch! and son of a bitch!)
5) Asshole!
4) Jesus Christ! (Includes Jesus Fucking Christ! Jesus Tap-dancing Christ! Jesus Titty-fucking
Christ! and Jesus Christ fajita!)
3) Shit!
2) Goddam it!
1) Fuck! (Includes fucking! as an adjective.)

We're thinking of adding Banker! and Congressman!

The Stupidifier

2009-02-14T22:31:00.003-05:00

Mild-mannered Barack Obama is . . . the Stupidifier.

It's amazing. Republicans of normal intelligence when confronted by Obama, suffer a sudden 50% IQ drop.

It cannot be explained without recourse to the supernatural. It's kind of miraculous. Many politicians drive people crazy: Obama drives them stupid.

Frank Rich nails it:

Just as in the presidential campaign, Obama has once again outwitted the punditocracy and the opposition. The same crowd that said he was a wimpy hope-monger who could never beat Hillary or get white votes was played for fools again.

Barack Obama just got what he wanted. Almost dollar for dollar. He got the percentage of tax cuts vs. spending that he wanted, almost dollar for dollar. The pundits and the GOP have bet their all on his failure. And then he didn't fail. He didn't fail, he got his way. His support among the people is rock solid, numbers for Democrats are up slightly, support for the stim is still strong, while support for the GOP has actually managed to drop further.

And yet, as Rich points out, the Party Of Stupid thinks it just won a big one:

But the Republicans are busy high-fiving themselves and celebrating “victory.” Even in defeat, they are still echoing the 24/7 cable mantra about the stimulus’s unpopularity. This self-congratulatory mood is summed up by a Wall Street Journal columnist who wrote that “the House Republicans’ zero votes for the Obama presidency’s stimulus ‘package’ is looking like the luckiest thing to happen to the G.O.P.’s political fortunes since Ronald Reagan switched parties.” There hasn’t been this much delusional giddiness in these ranks since Monica Lewinsky promised a surefire Republican sweep in the 1998 midterms.

Here's how this plays out: the odds are heavily in favor of the recession ending at some point in the next couple of years. Even if all we did was sit around playing with ourselves the recession would probably end within Obama's first term of office. Since people tend to credit "something" over "nothing" as a cause of change, Obama will be credited for any turnaround.

The Republicans could have blunted this by helping out. They could have earned credit for an assist. Obama gave them every opportunity. Instead they ensured that they would recieve no credit for a turnaround. But if the economy somehow fails to turn around they'll still take a big share of the blame.

The GOP just bought 0% of success while holding onto at least 50% of failure. Obama is holding 100% of success and at most 50% of failure. Can someone explain to me why this is good for the GOP?

Here's the thing. You're Fred the Carpenter, living in Ohio. You lose your job. Thanks to Obama you get some extended unemployment benefits and although you don't get your job back in 2009, your wife gets a job working on a school remodeling project. And during the worst of it your kids still have health care, and your wife is paying less in payroll tax. Thanks to Obama. So you . . . vote for Republican Senator Voinovich who opposed the creation of the job your wife just got?

Hello?

Possible outcomes:
1) Economy turns around: Obama gets credit
2) Economy stays in crapper: Obama gets credit for trying, GOP gets blame for obstructing.
3) Economy stays in crapper: Obama and GOP split blame.

What in God's name can they be thinking? How can they be this stupid?

Well, I'll tell you how: The Stupidifier. That's how. Obama has used his mutant super-powers to make them stupid. (Well, stupider.)

Still don't believe me? Normally intelligent conservative blogger Rick Moran picks through the stimulus bill and comes up with a long list of spending he finds suspect. Very impressive list. Long list. It amounts to 1.5% of the cost of the bill.

Summoning all his outrage, Moran points to . . . 1.5% of the bill. Moran calls this. " . . .the greatest betrayal of the public trust in my lifetime."

1.5%. One point five percent. Skim outrage.

The Greatest Public Betrayal In My Lifetime.

Say what? Moran is my age. Which means he's lived through Vietnam, Watergate, Desert One, Beirut, Iran/Contra, the Blue Dress, Gitmo/Abu Graib and Katrina, but the 1.5% in this bill is the big one?

Stupid. But it's not Moran's fault, not the GOP's fault. They are mere mortals up against a man with superpowers.

Some superheros have super strength, some have cool gadgets, some can have super speed or power over the elements. But I'm kind of liking this stupidifying thing. I think it could be very useful.

Republicans: Kind Of Like Spartans if Spartans Were Pussies

2009-02-14T00:13:00.003-05:00

I know what you think. You think Republicans hate America. You think Republicans care more about their own political necks than they do their country.

You are so wrong! I am ashamed of you.

Republicans love America. They care deeply about the American people. You want proof?

Sen. Arlen Specter (R-PA), who broke with his party to support President Obama's stimulus package last week, said before the final vote Friday that more of his colleagues would have joined were they not afraid of the political consequences.

"When I came back to the cloak room after coming to the agreement a week ago today," said Specter, "one of my colleagues said, 'Arlen, I'm proud of you.' My Republican colleague said, 'Arlen, I'm proud of you.' I said, 'Are you going to vote with me?' And he said, 'No, I might have a primary.' And I said, 'Well, you know very well I'm going to have a primary.'"

Well. There you have it. Three Republicans actually had the courage to vote for the stimulus bill. And at least one had the courage to sidle up next to Specter and say, "Yessss, my Precious, we loves the stimulus, yessss, gollum."

Do you think only four Republicans have the courage to either openly or surreptitiously support the stimulus? No. I refuse to believe that. I believe rather that many, many other Republicans are willing to whisper their support if they know they won't be quoted. Because they do care about more than their own electoral prospects. They love their country: they just don't want their supporters to know it.

Sometimes The Artist Says It Best

2009-02-13T01:22:00.000-05:00

Pedestrians

2009-02-02T23:26:00.004-05:00

We've been in California for a couple of months now. I love the weather. Today, February 2nd, I spoke with my friend Alex by phone. Alex was walking home in Chicago where the high today was 17 F. 17 and windy, which translates to a windchill factor of Nicole Kidman.

Meanwhile, I was sitting at an outdoor cafe in a t-shirt. Gazing up at a palm tree. I could have been drinking a Frappuccino. I wasn't because I'm not a girl, but I could have been.

I'm looking to meet more people I can talk to in places like Minneapolis, Bangor and Denver.

So, the California weather? Lovely. The California landscape and landscaping? Terrific. The California pedestrians? Cattle. But dumber.

In Italy the rule is if you didn't actually hit a pedestrian head-on, you're cool with the law. (Law in Italy being a series of suggestions.) A smack with a side mirror? That's only to be expected. You want to walk? You're going to need to toughen up.

The Italians are particularly sensible when it comes to this matter, but even in the rest of the United States it's understood that pedestrians are a barely-tolerated nuisance. It's clear that you should not actually hit a pedestrian, or even (sigh) come close to hitting a pedestrian, but it's fine to scare the living shit out of a pedestrian. Not okay to hit, but okay to make them think you might.

But here in California not only can't you hit a pedestrian, not only can't you cause a pedestrian to leap in pants-wetting panic toward the curb, you are not even allowed to imply that you just might be thinking about gunning the engine and mowing them down.

This is taking things too far. There is a natural order to the universe, a Darwinian order. At the very bottom of the food chain are skateboarders and bicyclists. Slightly above them, pedestrians. Atop the food chain, the drivers. The masters of the wheel. The men on horseback. We drivers have a sort of 21st century droit du seigneur. We cannot deflower your bride (like a pedestrian would have a bride, hah!) but we are, or at least should be, entitled to demonstrate our superiority by daring you to step out into the sidewalk, refusing your impudent attempt at eye contact, and racing toward you in an effort to make you drop your bag of loser goods from the loser store.

But here, in California, all is topsy-turvy. It's madness. Here, the pedestrian rules. It's bizzar-o world! Here, a pedestrian, a frail, watery, flesh-made creature, a sack of goo hung from a toothpick frame, has the legal right to step out in front of even a fine German autobahn monster.

It's koyaniqatsi. (Really? Spell-check recognizes koyaniqatsi and not Frappuccino?) World out of joint. (That's the Rastapocalypse, by the way: world out of joint.)

Pedestrians here need only indicate an intention to enter a crosswalk and the entire street comes to halt. A pedestrian need only cast a sidelong look in the general direction of the street and we all have to hit the brakes. My God! They want drivers to be psychic!

And there will be no slipping the transmission into neutral and gunning the engine. Nor will there be the sudden forward jerk. Nor will you adopt the crazy-ass smile of the psycho killer and grip the wheel as though you are merely waiting for the fools to step in front of you.

It sucks. It takes forever to get through the parking lot of a strip mall. I mean, goddamn, I have chicken to buy. Get the fuck out of my way.

Feeling It

2009-01-31T02:21:00.005-05:00

Call it my own response to hard times. I'm not feeling the need to talk politics. I'm feeling the need to write funny.

I have two paid writing projects. First, the continuing GONE series. I'm almost done with book #3, with 3 more lined up. They are heavy and dark and intense. And I'm all-but-signed to a new series pitched a bit younger than GONE. Where GONE is fantasy/horror, the new thing will be comic/adventure.

That's a good balance for me. 600 pages a year dark and scary, 400 pages funny. My strange little brain in abstract.

But right now obsessing over politics feels a little off. It's time to put away childish things, as President Obama said. And in some way I can't quite explain, seriousness for me feels childish right now. Funny feels like the grown-up thing to do.

I'm feeling like my political schtick is wearing thin -- with me. The era of the Limbaughs and, in a very different income tax bracket, the Michael Reynoldses, is past. The grown-ups need to step in. The dialog needs to advance. The thrust and parry, the counting coup, is tired and irrelevant. The games played by the people I disagree with, and the games I myself play, they've become joyless, off-topic, suddenly ancient. Embarrassing.

Something has changed. It's not just Obama, it's the wave of revulsion that swept Obama into office. Politics isn't entertainment when Americans are in serious trouble. Not for me, anyway. But it's not just this recession, it's that it all doesn't feel quite right. Not much of an explanation, I realize, but for me intuition provides the hypothesis to be tested by logic. I start with the feeling that something has changed.

I told my friend Annie at Ambivablog that I was going to make myself scarce in her comments sections. It isn't petulance, it's a response to a feeling that I was doing the same old same old when something fundamental has changed. I don't get paid to be behind the curve. I don't want to be peddling schtick 20 years past its sell-by date. I'm not going to be Charo. I'm not Vanilla Ice.

There is a disturbance in the force. Change is coming. Change is here. It's already happening and I'm riding the aftershocks. The paradigm has shifted The zeitgeist is geistier. I don't see it clearly enough yet to describe it. But I feel it.

I'm not ending this blog, just warning the few remaining readers that I'm analyzing the new environment. Considering what it all means. And in the meantime instinct is telling me that my most useful contribution is probably to provide a few laughs.

He's The Tail, We're The Dog

2009-01-26T00:24:00.003-05:00

It's happy mush until the end. And then, "I pledge to be a servant to our president and all mankind . . ."

What the fuck?

Hey, geniuses, he works for us. He's our servant. We pay him, he doesn't pay us. Hollywood pinheads. Jesus Christ fajita.

Fool Rushes In

2009-01-25T17:23:00.003-05:00

What I know about economics would fit on a matchbook. So when it comes to economic issues my instincts are probably not worth much, and my analysis is worth less. But that's never stopped me before. So . . .

I think this stimulus package (and can we please, God, find a different phrase?) is doing two different things, both of which need to be done, but which are not as directly connected as we're supposed to believe. 1) It's meant to pump money into the economy by the shortest route available. 2) It's meant to improve the power grid, the roads and bridges and school buildings. The so-called infrastructure.

The problem is that this isn't 1933. If you want your infrastructure improved you don't hire a million guys with shovels, you hire ten thousand guys with bulldozers. You really want Tom Joad building your power grid with a pickaxe on his shoulder and a piece of hay stuck in his teeth? I kind of think we may need non-hobo labor for most of this stuff.

So I doubt all this infra-restructuring will create today's randomly-assigned-number of jobs. I think we need the infra-restructuring, but I don't think it's a panicky, need-it-this-very-minute thing because it's not going to quickly translate into jobs. It may not create jobs until we're clear out the other end of this recession/depression. So maybe we should take a few weeks to actually think it over.

If what you really want is to pump money into the economy, fine, cancel payroll taxes for a period of time. Or cancel it on a means-tested basis so that struggling families would benefit. A huge percentage of that money would go straight back into the economy for fast food, Wal-Mart socks, rent, a new muffler, and glasses for the kids. Boom! Pass the legislation next week, people could be spending the money by Valentine's day.

While you're at it, cancel the employer contribution for a period of six months, make it cheaper for employers to keep workers on salary. No fuss, no muss, no detail, no new paperwork, no new bureaucracy.

The following blogs have been useful in helping me think about this, but should not be held directly responsible for my no-doubt mangled conclusions: The Glittering Eye, Not a Potted Plant, Our Better History and Rightwing Nuthouse.

Barack Obama: Terrorist Sympathizer

2009-01-23T16:51:00.004-05:00

Conservative nutsacks were right: Barack Obama is a pacifist, terrorist-loving secret Muslim. A fact he demonstrated by blowing hell out of a gathering of Al Qaeda in Pakistan.

Suspected U.S. missiles killed 18 people on the Pakistan side of the Afghan border Friday, security officials said, the first attacks on the al-Qaida stronghold since President Barack Obama took office. At least five foreign militants were among those killed in the strikes by unmanned aircraft in two parts of the frontier region, an intelligence official said without naming them. There was no information on the identities of the others.

It should be obvious to those in possession of one or more items of tinfoil headgear that Barack Hussein Obama has only done this as a very clever trick to make us believe he would defend us from terrorists. By blowing up terrorists.

There is literally no end to Obama's perfidy.

Review: Audi A6

2009-01-23T00:00:00.005-05:00

Driving on the moons of Jupiter.

Some of you may remember that I was once very much in love. With my Mercedes S-500. And you may recall the tragic ending of that love affair: I had to sell the Benz when we left for Italy because Italian roads are six feet wide, and so was the Benz.

I sold the Benz which I loved above all cars I've ever owned. There was just a hint of sickness to the whole relationship, I must admit. It was a very quick car. Fast. It was very powerful. It was big as hell but nimble. And when I drove through Prius-loving Chapel Hill with a fat stogie* stuck in the lower third of my massive bald head** I just knew that a quarter of the decaffeinated, granola-masticating population thought I sold guns to the Janjaweed.

It was a good feeling. As you can imagine. If there's something really wrong with you.

So, we bought a Toyota RAV4 to take with us to Italy. In Italy a RAV4 is an Escalade. It's about as big a private vehicle as you can comfortably drive on the dinky streets of Tuscan villages. It's the six cylinder engine and it's fast and fun to drive and as agile as a top-heavy SUV is likely to get. The seats are shitty -- Toyota insists on making seats for a short-legged people. I think they should offer a Gaijin seating package for people whose legs may be longer than Gimli's.***

I like the RAV. It's easy. It works. And it's red. But it is not cool. College coeds contemplating a switch from a Communications Arts major to a career as a fat guy's mistress would not target me when I'm driving the RAV.

So, anyway, after getting through US Customs (motto: we make Italian Customs look like FedEx) we got the RAV4 to join us here in the OC. This was nice. But we needed a second car because we have children who must be driven to ice skating, gymnastics, swimming, bowling, tennis, the beach, paddleboats (WTF?,) movies, Disneyland, Knott's Berry Farm, Wet and Wild World of Amoebic Dysintery, optometrist, orthodontist, pediatric dentist, pediatrician, Claim Jumper, Borders, Claire's, Limited Too For Tiny Trollops, the Apple Store, anything involving Hannah Montana including a toilet that may or may not have been peed in by Hannah/Mylie, and the other 18 trillion**** things they need to be taxiied and or dragged to.

So we needed a second car. Our criteria were 1) Crash test numbers, 2) Would I feel sufficiently cool driving it and thus feel that my manly manitude had been validated, and, 3) Hmmmm, I guess it's just those two. And thus, after obsessive bathroom reading of various ratings magazines, it came down to the Honda Accord or the Audi A6.

The rational economic choice was clear. But we went with the Audi anyway. In a soul-wracking compromise for the sake of both mileage and the ever-fragile environment, I forwent the 8 cylinder and stuck with the six. No: I won't let you call me an eco-hero. Seriously, stop, others have given up so much more for Mother Earth.

Herewith my review of the Audi A6 3.2 Quattro:
-- Fast enough, but not the Benz.
-- Great, great, great seats.
-- Lovely brakes, kind of like the Benz.
-- Great looking.
-- Joke cup holders. I mean, goddamn, if the Japanese can offer the Gaijin Seat option could the Krauts not try a little harder to indulge our need for automotive Starbucks? I mean, who won World War 2, anyway?
-- Beautiful but absolutely useless navigation system.
-- Big-ass trunk.
-- Nice handling, zoom zoom zoom and very little lean.
-- So quiet I can hear a kid fart in the back seat. (It's best to have some warning.)
-- Great-looking.
-- Top crash-test numbers. Not yet tested by driver.
-- Stupid, obnoxious, over-engineered, piece of crap MMI "control system." Jesus Christ in a taco, just stick some fucking buttons on the dashboard.
-- Ludicrously undersized side mirrors. Blind spot? No, blind crater. Mirrors don't see anything smaller than a tandem semi.
-- Great-looking.
-- Very cool iPod interface.

In summary, is it worth the money? No. Is it worth the money if some drunk rear-ends me? So they say. Is it perfectly-calibrated for a successful writer living in the OC, neither as dickish as a BMW, nor as smug as a Prius? Yes.

You know what's weird, though? I often choose to drive the RAV.

* I'm favoring Macanudo Golds at the moment.
** Seriously. I have, like, alien DNA or something.
*** That's right, an LOTR reference. I'm already married, I don't need a woman.
**** Trillion is the new billion. Million is the new nickel.

Depressed Poodle

2009-01-22T01:54:00.002-05:00

No, it's not the Onion, it's the Daily Mail:

Former French president Jacques Chirac was rushed to hospital after being mauled by his own 'clinically depressed' pet dog.

The 76-year-old statesman was savaged by his white Maltese dog - which suffers from frenzied fits and is being treated with anti-depressants.

That's really bad enough. But the Brits, being Brits, and the French being their blood enemies since, oh, the fall of the Roman Empire, they couldn't very well stop at that. The Daily Mail had to offer this headline:

Former French President Chirac hospitalised after mauling by his clinically depressed poodle.

Yes, they pretty much had to go with "poodle."

GOP: Gets Your Whites Whiter Than White

2009-01-20T17:03:00.003-05:00

So, conservative Rick Moran, on the conservative Pajama's Media site, wrote a rather inspiring piece on todays' events. Here are a couple of paragraphs, but it's worth reading the whole thing:

We forget how truly remarkable a nation we are. We forget the courage of those who stood up to the hate, the evil traditions, the 300 years of abominable history that saw African Americans as slaves, serfs, and second class citizens. In the end, what they did mattered. Their sacrifices were not in vain, despite the idea that at times it must have seemed the mountain was too high and the path too steep.

We didn’t realize it at the time, but they were not only carrying the hopes of a race up that Everest, they were redeeming all of us who, through neglect apathy and ignorance, had failed utterly in making the words of the Declaration of Independence come alive and actually mean something. “All men are created equal” sounded hollow indeed to someone forced to sit in the back of a bus, or stay at a “Coloreds Only” motel, or who ran into barriers in employment and education due to the color of their skin.

No, the election and inauguration of President Obama does not banish racism or discrimination from America. That happy event is still in the future. But inaugurating Obama allows us a glimpse of such a future on the distant horizon, barely discernible but now a definite form shimmering in the morning sun. And a clear path to that goal is in front of us just waiting for us to take the first step.

Now here is a sampling of comments left by Pajama's Media readers:

-- This article is certainly the most nauseating piece of drivel I have seen on Pajamas Media. I kept reading, hoping that what I saw would turn out to be satire, a parody of the madness that has seized our country. But no, it was serious.

-- You should be ashamed of yourself. You are either a liar or a coward. Both is more likely.

-- I looked to the day when the election of a black President would signal the end of racism in America. Sadly, the election of BHO is the single greatest act of collective racism in the history of the Unites States of America.

-- I am so glad you like the Emperor’s suit, Mr. Moran. Tell me who is more racist: Bull Connor and his deputies, or Reverend Wright and his congregation? It is the content of the character, remember? If I want leftist talking (make that screaming) points, I’ll head for Arriannaland.Go have tea with Peggy. You are now an official member of the media. Enjoy your bennies.

-- Right, let’s cheer for the triumph of symbolism. Moran still lives in Peggy Noonan’s dream world of “all Americans under the skin.” The Left destroyed all that years ago. The current reality is ideological war. Anyone who considers himself a centrist is deluded.

-- Rick, please GET HELP! Your Delusional! Kyle Shiver wrote an article the other day thanking G.W. Bush in the article she was brilliant about his character.I commented to her that it reminded me of Rudyard Kiplings poem “IF”,where he describes what a man is.BHO is the antithesis of that poem. Not to mention he is totally lacking in any MORAL CHARACTER.

Cherry-picked? Yeah, a little. Not much. Ladies and Gentlemen: your 2009 Republican Party!

Can anyone tell me why the GOP is 100% white? Except in Utah, where's it's actually 104% white? Hmmmm. It's a mystery.

The interesting thing is that GOP leadership -- including Mr. Bush -- have all been a lot closer to Rick Moran's take than to the positions of the commentors. I suspect this is because most of them are actually patriots who love their country and like to see it do good and do well. Plus there's the fact that the saner portions of the GOP leadership now sees the magnitude of its mistake. The country is becoming steadily less white, less rural and less bigoted. So the GOP has put all its money on appealing to whites, rustics and bigots, while insulting blacks, hispanics, city-dwellers, secularists, gays . . . pretty much everyone who doesn't have a Confederate Battle Flag tacked on his wall.

This is the problem the GOP faces. If it can become the party of limited government, restraint, prudence, responsibility -- in other words, actual conservatism -- it'll appeal to non-imbeciles of all races, and not only survive, but contribute and, in the fullness of time, return to power.

But the party of Lincoln has allowed itself to be turned into an asylum for gay-bashers, know-nothings and racists. The GOP is not a racist party, but racists have chosen it as their political home. And the GOP welcomed that influx and exploited it. The GOP needs to find a way back to its roots, back to its core beliefs, away from what it has become. Like General Motors needs to shed a few losing divisions, the GOP needs to shed some divisions of losers.

We have a similar task in the Democratic Party. But we've taken several giant leaps toward isolating the crazy conspiracy nuts, the luddites, the race-hustlers and the blame-America-first hair-shirt brigades. Obama, who the whack-job Right predicted would be the newest convert to the Weather Underground, has built a centrist administration and reached way across the aisle. In so doing he cut the legs out from under the far Left. Seriously: they're walking on stumps.

I guess we'll see if the GOP manages to do as well. I doubt it. I think they waited too long and now the crazies own the asylum. It's the rational conservatives who will end up leaving the GOP to the whackjobs they thought they were just using. But maybe not. It's a good day to hope.

Next.

2009-01-19T23:59:00.005-05:00

Well, goodbye Mr. Bush.

You did some good things. The AIDS money for Africa? That was very cool. The Libya thing was good. The reachout to India was big. The attempt at an immigration deal was principled.

Beyond that you were in over your head. We handed you a country that hadn't taken a direct hit since Pearl Harbor. A country that was the unchallenged hyperpower (as the Frogs say.) A country running a surplus. A happy, cocky, devil-may-care country.

Before you came along, Mr. Bush, I could look anyone from anywhere in the eye and say, "No, we don't do things like that. Because we're the Americans." I lost that. I don't know for sure just what the hell we do any more.

I trusted you, Mr. Bush, and you screwed me. You said you'd deliver Osama in handcuffs or with a bullet in his head. And you didn't. You said you'd take down the Taliban and Al Qaeda. You failed.

I actually thought you had sense enough to know that invading Iraq would take all our resources. It never occurred to me that you didn't know what you were getting into. It never, honest-to-God, occurred to me that you were that stupid.

The first real inkling I had of the disaster you would become was when you asked nothing of us after 9/11. You know what? I would have sold my house and mailed you the check at that point. And you asked for nothing. Go shopping. Here: have a tax cut. That was an insult. I was a bit past enlistment age, but we were all so ready to do something. You stiff-armed us. You acted as if we had nothing to give.

And yet, I fell for Iraq. Alarm bells going off in my head I muttered to my friends that it was a 51/49 thing for me. The Shinseki thing happened and I thought, no, they don't really think they're doing this thing on the cheap. Do they? They couldn't be so stupid they actually bought Rumsfeld's crapola. It had to be a feint, later, they'll do what had to be done.

Or not.

We toddled off, me and some film guys, to shoot a documentary on anti-Americanism in Europe just after anti-war demonstrations raged through France and Spain. I defended you, Mr. Bush. You want to know something embarrassing? We were shooting a stand-up, on a balcony in Paris. I think. The whole thing's kind of a blur. Anyway, the director throws an off-camera question at me and the question contains the assumption that you, our president, had ignoble motivations. And I said, No, I think he wakes up every morning seeing those planes hit the towers and thinks, I need to keep that from ever happening again.

And here's the embarrassing part, I started crying. Because I was still not over it. 9/11 being the "it" in question. And of course I hadn't slept in a week: tight budget, tough schedule, jet lag, no sleep.

But even then I knew you had fucked up. A Frenchman asked me what I thought of the barely-begun occupation. I said, Can I defend the way the occupation is being handled? No. But give us time, we just got there.

Yeah, well . . .

You doubled down on stupid, Mr. Bush. And by the time you finally, finally, finally listened to the people who'd been screaming that we were in deep shit in Iraq, it was too late to pull off a victory. We may have gotten a non-defeat that accomplished less than half of our objectives. But we could have won. We could have changed the world. If a more capable man had been president.

And then, Katrina. I drove down to Mississippi a few days after. I saw National Guard vehicles on the roads but then I went shopping, stuff for an emergency shelter. I went to the nearest Wal-Mart. They were marking down prices. The federal government was just getting there and Wal-Mart was marking down prices. Your federal government, Mr. Bush.

Katrina, Don Rumsfeld, Tora Bora, Karl Rove, Valerie Plame, Abu Ghraib, Terri Schiavo, privatizing Social Security (Jesus, that was a bullet dodged) Guantanamo, Dick Cheney, stem cells, deficits and debt and divisiveness.

I'm prepared to believe you were the victim of some bad luck, Mr. Bush. But we pay you to be lucky. We didn't force the job on you, you demanded it of us. So it's on you to come through. Hell or high water, your job was to succeed. And you failed.

The United States is weaker, poorer and sadder after eight years of you, Mr. Bush. We're not sure how long it's going to take us to pull ourselves out of the ditch you drove us into. You hurt the country and the Constitution you swore to defend.

I don't think you're a bad man. But you were a bad president.

Next.

No Comment Necessary

2009-01-19T00:44:00.003-05:00

President-elect Obama, the next First lady, and Abraham Lincoln.

This Blog Is R-Rated

2009-01-16T02:26:00.002-05:00

People who have stumbled upon this blog expecting something tame, please be aware that this blog is intended for adult readers. If you are a minor, please navigate to some other site. Seriously. This blog is just crankiness, politics and bad words.

Javier's Suffering Delusions

2009-01-16T01:01:00.004-05:00

Seriously? You're going to give me attitude? You?

You sell enchiladas in a fucking Orange County mall.

And by the way, the guacamole is oversalted, the shrimp and the chicken were overcooked, the stuffed pepper undercooked, and the aforementioned enchiladas might as well have been Old El Paso.

Shirttail-dragging, slow, lazy-assed, amateurish, can't chill a fucking martini, pick-up joint for boob-jobbed, hair-bleached, face-stretched-to-Joker-extremes grannies, and you're going to give me attitude because I bring kids into your wretched mall-mediocre faux-southwestern former Black Angus?

Alain Ducasse, Aqua, Charlie Trotter's, Spiaggia, Inn at Little Washington, Alinea, Michel Rostang, Tru, Taillevent -- none of them gave me attitude. And, interestingly, none of them are bending tacos and pouring watery margaritas for car salesemn in a dying Irvine t-shirt mall.

AT&T Fornicates With Insects

2009-01-16T00:26:00.004-05:00

I want to emphasize up front that I don't know that AT&T is actively involved in the southeast Asian sex trade.

I am not 100% sure that all their employees are thieves. And I doubt that all AT&T executives have hard drives stuffed full of fetish porn.

Calling from Italy, here's the conversation I had with AT&T employee Needledick (at least, I think that was his name) a few months ago:

Me: Hey, I'm having a hard time getting my bills over here. I have an iPhone I turned off since we're living in Italy. So, where do I stand with you guys?

Needledick: You owe us $831.

Me: Fucking hell. Okay, here's my credit card number. xxxx xxxx xxxx xxxx. Now am I all clear?

Needledick: Yes.

Me: I am totally straight with AT&T, right?

Needledick: Totally.

Me: Under no circumstances would you do something asshole-ish under the misapprehension that I still owe you something, right?

Needledick: I swear on my extensive collection of man-on-donkey porn.

So, a month later, I'm in LA where Katherine is getting some prize. The kid and I race over to the Apple store to get the new 3G phones. We stand there for TWO FUCKING HOURS while an exasperated Apple employee tries to get an answer from AT&T as to why they won't give me a phone. On the phone AT&T says (and I am not making this up) you owe us 831 dollars. AND you owe us nothing.

$831 and nothing.

So we won't give you a phone. Okay . . . now we'll give you a phone. Because now we agree that you paid us $831. Yes, for the last 2 hours we've denied that you paid us the $831, but now we totally agree that you did, in fact, pay us $831. Hey, we just enjoy stealing 2 hours of your life. We're AT&T and it's possible -- but not proven -- that all of us are sons of cheap, alley-kneeling whores.

Months pass. We enjoy our 3G iPhones. Until today when they suddenly stop working. Why? The recording says because of "an unpaid balance."

I find a land line. I call the AT&T robot. Try to guess what the robot thinks I owe? That's right: zero. I owe nothing. And yet, my phone is off. Huh. What a surprise.

A full hour working the phone tree. West coast accounting. East coast accounting. The AT&T Fuck You center which says I owe $831. Then I'm passed off to the AT&T Sand In Your Sphincter Anal Rape center which updates that: it's now $980.

Bend over, bitch, we are AT&T and while we are perhaps not the people behind most of the atrocities of the 20th and 21st centuries, hey, who knows?

Just under a grand. Now my phones are back on.

For my part there are no hard feelings. Because I'm not entirely convinced that AT&T is just another word for Mafia. And I don't think the company's business model is indistinguishable from that of an extortionist.

But I am sure, beyond doubt, that no man on AT&T's board of directors has ever pleased a woman.

The Toy Bubble

2009-01-09T00:29:00.004-05:00

I have been to Macworld.

For those who aren't geeks (I'm not: I'm a nerd) Macworld is a gathering of Apple fans. MacHeads. Mac fanboys. And a smattering of fangirls. It lasts for what seems like about three weeks, but my calendar says it's just 5 days.

My son (the geek, the fanboy, the MacHead, the techie,) has wanted to go to Macworld for the last couple of years. The answer was always "No.*" But this year he agreed to pay half the cost and with Macworld in San Francisco and us in the OC, it wasn't too big a trip.

You may wonder, "How the hell does an 11 year old afford something like that?**" Well, by customizing our blogs, building our websites, putting together our Keynote/Powerpoint presentations, shooting and editing our videos and getting paid for it all.***

The main event was the keynote speech normally given by Steve Jobs but in this case given by some guy. I'm going to say Phil. That could be his name, who knows? We had to get up at 4 am and stand in a chilly line in order to ensure that we would be in the actual presence and not exiled to an overflow room.

There was a line. But it wasn't much of one and they never had to use the overflow rooms. The absence of Steve had a profound effect. The cult members had bought tickets in the expectation of seeing Tom Cruise. They got Jenna Elfman instead.****

Anyway they announced some software tweaks. Cool tweaks. Nothing exciting.

For the rest of the show we attended lectures none of which I can actually remember. Possibly because I don't recover from 4 am wake-ups as well as I used to. And we walked the Expo floor at the Moscone Center gazing respectfully upon software and iPhone apps and things that enabled and things that synergized and things that caused various other buzzwords to be spoken.

I found it vaguely depressing.

Here's why: 90% of it is about nothing. You start with a "thing." Maybe that thing is a document or maybe that thing is a tune or a manuscript. And then 10 bazillion people come along and offer you software to make that thing better, easier to do. If you placed on a graph our total aggregate ability to make things easier, better, faster, funner, wilder, better integrated you'd see this line that crawled for ten thosuand years of human history and then suddenly rocketed straight up.

So, simple question: why aren't our things any better? Has someone made better music than JS Bach did with just an organ and some foolscap? One of the big hits of the show was the Occarina application for the iPhone. It allows you to use your phone to play a slow, uncertain, flutey version of Oh, Susanna!

Well, in your face Johann. Screw you, John Lennon. We can play Oh, Susanna on our phones. And now the world is a better place. Imagine!

These things are just toys. A song is real. A phone that lets you play a song -- badly, irritatingly -- is a toy. Extra special software for executives to maximize and optimize and all other manner of izing are toys. We've apparently just lost track of the entire GDP of the United States. Maybe because executives were playing with their latest, coolest execu-toy as opposed to asking why they should buy bundles of absurdly overvalued mortgages.

So much energy and so many intellectual and capital resources devoted to making sure that our computer files look shiny, and we can easily indulge our Twitter narcissism, and Facebook narcissism, obsessively communicating the boring details of our lives with "friends" who are no such thing. So much faith placed in software that by golly would give the busy executive a total awareness of absolutely every single thing going on in every single place.

We had the dotcom bubble. We had the real estate bubble. I wonder if the next is the toy bubble. We're valuing toys at hundreds of billions of dollars. But that's all they are: shiny, hi tech, cool, fun and almost worthless toys. Facebook is a toy. Twitter is a toy. Most of Apple's business is toys. All those clench-jawed business aplications are toys. I think they are worth about as much as an Icelandic krona.

*Or "Are you f---ing kidding me?"
**Yeah, me too.
***When I was his age I took out the trash. I was paid in slices of Velveeta.
****Scientology joke. I assume I'll be hearing from their lawyers.

Taint Talk

2009-01-08T20:15:00.002-05:00

I'm begging. On my knees. Groveling. Face down. Prostrate. In full kowtow. I'm begging: stop talking about the taint of Rod Blagojevich. Every time someone says it, I have to picture it. And then I meld the Blago hair with the image of the Blago taint . . .

Have you people never listened to Howard Stern?

Don't Marry Smart

2009-01-05T02:22:00.004-05:00

So, I'm flirting with a P.F. Chang's waitress. She's somewhat (30 years) younger than I am and looks like a younger Lisa Edelstein. Which is harmless fun. Unless you make the mistake of doing it while your wife is with you. Because if you do that, your wife waits until just the right moment and says, "So, Michael: how are the hemorrhoids?"

I laughed for about half an hour. One of many reasons I love my wife.

The Boy's Work

2009-01-02T00:36:00.002-05:00

Photo by Jake.

Last Thought On The New Year

2009-01-01T03:15:00.002-05:00

Mon centre cède, impossible de me mouvoir, situation excellente, j’attaque!

My centre is giving way, I cannot move, situation excellent, I shall attack!

Great quote from Marechal Foch in 1918. Best not to think about where he was when he said it, what had happened, what was still to happen.

2009

2009-01-01T00:03:00.002-05:00

I was paying no attention to New Year's because I'm on the west coast and it's not here for another three hours. But the kids had CNN on. The big ball drop in New York. Some guy singing New York, New York, and then someone else singing America The Beautiful and goddamned if it didn't get to me.

2008 was great for me, personally, and for my family. I don't know that many other people share that sentiment. I think 2008 rattled a lot of people. But either way, 2009 is going to be a good year. That's right: fuck the irony Gods, I'm predicting that 2009 will be a great year.

A year from now we'll laugh at the people predicting the demise of America.

Resolution #1

2008-12-31T22:50:00.007-05:00

New Year's resolution: to try and look just a little less like my identical twin, Bussetta. And also not get shot while trying to smother Hyman Roth with a pillow.

Open Book

2008-12-31T02:30:00.004-05:00

I'm toying with an idea that I haven't thought through completely. (Which differentiates it from my usual ideas how, exactly?)

The idea is this: abandon privacy.

Transparency. Not just in business, but in life. No more pretense, no more phony degrees or invented relationships, no more efforts to keep our online identities secret, no more denial of peccadilloes, or misbehaviors or weirdnesses.

If it was all out there, for everyone. Would anyone care that you like MILF porn? Or that you collect Barbie dolls? Or that you go through three times the average amount of toilet paper?

Everyone has something to hide. But they only have to hide it because revealing it would place them at a disadvantage. If you happen to enjoy wearing opposite gender clothing you don't necessarly want that fact coming up during a job interview. Unless. Unless you know the guy conducting the interview likes wearing diapers. In fact is wearing them right now.

Openness obliterates the power of shame. At least shame over minor lifestyle differences. I kind of think people might still frown on murder. But generally when we're hiding something it's something stupid. And the only way it hurts us is if we swim in a milieu of hypocrites who conceal their own kinks.

We all hide who and what we are because everyone else does the same. It's an arms race of phoniness. Look, I know you didn't have sushi for lunch, you had a sticky bun with extra icing. So what? I had three bong hits and a box of Entenman's donuts.

We would be free. Free, I tells ya! Freeeeeee!

Did We Learn Nothing From Spiderman 2?

2008-12-28T02:36:00.003-05:00

Fusion, eh? I can't see how that would be a problem.

While it has seemed an impossible goal for nearly 100 years, scientists now believe that they are on brink of cracking one of the biggest problems in physics by harnessing the power of nuclear fusion, the reaction that burns at the heart of the sun.

In the spring, a team will begin attempts to ignite a tiny man-made star inside a laboratory and trigger a thermonuclear reaction.

No word on whether scientists will graft mechanical octopus arms to their backs. But I don't really see how they can avoid it.

Clearing The Air For 2009

2008-12-26T00:13:00.003-05:00

Like passengers on the Titanic scrambling for the last life vest Republicans have been grasping at the Blogojevich scandal hoping, praying, floundering, gulping salt water and sobbing sad little prayers to their big-haired Crystal Cathedral deity, hoping against hope that somehow the Blagojoshit would rub off on Obama.

Remember how solemnly Republicans talked about the need to reconstitute, reinvent, rethink their party? Remember all the post-election chin-stroking? Oh, there were definitely some white-guy chins being stroked. Brows were furrowed. There was nodding. Sage nodding. Thoughtful, sage, furrowed nodding of middle-aged, balding heads.

But then, salvation! Blago! Yay!

And while the People of the United States of America rattled with fear of unemployment and recession and maybe even depression and loss of health insurance and contemplated the question of whether hobos could have cell phones, Republicans leapt! Airborne! They hurtled through the sky like supermen! And grabbed greedily at Blago's hair and wrapped it around them, a shaggy, helmetish armor and cried, "Thank You, Jesus-uh, for verily we no longer need to go forth into the wilderness-uh and we can return to our homes in talk radio (-uh) and verily shall we issue slanders and lies and implications and wild speculations and . . ."

And thus, in our Nation's hour of need we will earn the people's trust by telling them that what really matters is not their job, not their health care, not their taxes, not their children's education, not their future, not them at all really. Because, let's be honest: fuck the people. What matters to the GOP, what MATTERS is that we have an excuse to distract and divide and obscure and that, my fellow Americans, THAT is why you should elect us, The Republicans. Because only the GOP can completely ignore the fact that your life has been hopelessly, terrifyingly fucked up. By . . .

Well, um . . . by liberals.

Liberals like George W. Bush. And his cabinet. And his vice president. His chairman of the SEC. His ideology. Which, until, oh, about six months ago we loudly claimed was our sacred and perfected conservative ideology but which is now revealed (hallelujah!) to have been liberalism. Cleverly disguised as conservatism by the fact that every liberal hated it and every conservative loved it. Loudly.

So, allow us to summarize the case for the Republican Party: In the last eight years we have so thoroughly screwed the country that Jesus Christ floating down from heaven scattering 20 trillion (with a "T") dollars in small bills couldn't save it.

But wait, there's more! After seven years we Republicans have absolutely failed to catch or kill Osama Bin Laden! Now what would you pay? Despite the fact that under the GOP the United States of America has become a nation that tortures. Torture and trashing of major portions of the Constitution and yet (I blame liberals) the men who flew airplanes into the Pentagon and the World Trade Center are still laughing at us from their homes in our Good Friend And Ally Pakistan.

Amazingly not even gay-bashing, luddite attacks on science and dog-whistle racism have brought our enemies to heel. Hmmm. Rumsfeld and Gonzales are gone and Cheney and Bush are on their way out, and yet, guess who the fuck is still right where he was seven years ago? Tall guy? Beard? Enjoys watching Americans leaping to their deaths from flaming skyscrapers?

Yes, my fellow Americans, we in the GOP have ass-fucked the economy, bent this country over without so much us a reach-around, reamed this country and bankrupted your children yea unto the seventh generation, and tortured, and failed to destroy our enemies, and failed to exact vengeance for 9/11, and failed to maintain our alliances, and failed to deal with Social Security and Medicare and infrastructure and energy -- and as a bonus, if you act now, we'll do a flyover of a drowning American city -- but that's not the point. None of that is the point. The point is that Governor Hair is a scumbag.

Oh, and fags want to get married. Can you believe that shit? And what of Terri Schiavo?

So, as you can see, you should forget the fact that we Republicans are the party of such staggering, demonstrated, incontrovertible incompetence that in a fair and just world we'd be tarred and feathered (and not figuratively), and rolled off a fucking cliff (also not figuratively), forget the sickening fear you feel, forget the nagging night-and-day stress that eats you alive when you think of what will happen if one of your kids gets sick and how the hell you're going to hold onto your underwater mortgage if you lose your job, and focus instead on the fact that millionaire loudmouths on the radio have implied that both Blagojevich and Obama are (gasp!) from Illinois.

The party of Lincoln, ladies and gentlemen. The Grand Old Party. Here to save you from Rod Blagojevich and homos. And that's what you need. Right?

The Republican party has driven this country into a ditch and now they want to sit on the side of the road cheap-shotting the guys sweating and straining to haul us the fuck out. We have a new definition of chutzpah.

Now. We will get through this. We will. Because we are the Americans. We are the greatest people on earth. We are the heros of the modern world. And even our corrupt, imbecilic politicians can't defeat us. But let's remember, okay? Let's remember what the Republican party did, and what they are doing now. Remember who was driving the car when it went into the ditch, and who broke their backs to tow us back out.

Stuck In My Brain

2008-12-24T01:11:00.000-05:00

Uno dos one two tres quatro.

Day man. Ah ah ah. Fighter of the night man. Ah ah ah. Champion of the sun.

Na na na na na na na, I want to start a fight.

I don’t go anywhere without my switchblade.

He’s a cat (meow) flushing a toilet.

I want to rock and roll all night.

You’re a master of karate and friendship for everyone.

Matty told Hatty, about a thing she saw.

He’s a cat (meow) flushing a toilet.

And party every day.

I don’t go anywhere without my crew.

Let’s not be L 7, come and learn to dance.

She left me for Jesus, and that just ain’t fair.

And while I hope I’m not like them, I’m not so sure.

Woolly bully.

Said I can take you home, where we can be alone.

He’s a cat flushing a toilet.

I think my dad’s gone crazy.

So what, I’m still a rock star.

Still Not a Crazy Idea

2008-12-23T03:16:00.001-05:00

Rescued from my former blog, March 2006.

Out there somewhere, the avian flu virus is stalking the human race. It’s not alone: other bacteria and viruses are busily mutating, not plotting our destruction, but blundering nevertheless toward the extermination of large numbers of homo sapiens. Out there somewhere, evil men are plotting to get their hands on nukes or bacteria or viruses capable of killing millions. Out there in space, hurtling past, are thousands of rocks that could intersect our orbit and smack us all into a Mad Max movie. And the byproducts of industrialization my be slowly bringing on global warming.

All around the world, at the Taiwan strait, in the Persian Gulf, along the Korean DMZ, in Kashmir and a dozen other places, the human race sits poised, ready for war — serious war.

All of these things reach us in America. A disease incubating in a Chinese village, an angry cleric raging in some Pakistani camp, an unpaid Russian scientist with a launch code, a murderer here, a madman there, a smart kid with a computer sitting in his bedroom in Singapore.

Distance is an illusion. Borders are an illusion. Our economy is inextricably linked to the world. Our health is bound up with the health of villagers in the Congo. Our ability to travel and communicate is held hostage by people in Malaysia and Columbia and Timbuktu.

Only governments can cause, and only government can stop, genocide. Only governments can cause, and only government can stop famine. Governments restrict free trade and plunge millions into unecessary poverty. Only government can reverse that fatal protectionism. Only government can stop global warming. Only government can respond when a new disease erupts. Only governments can cause, and only government can stop, war.

The modern American capitalist affectation, the pretense that government can accomplish nothing, and only free markets can be trusted, evaporates in the face of disaster. Wal-Mart will not stop the economic disaster that would come from a nuclear exchange between Iran and Israel. The Ford Motor Company will not plot the trajectories of every dangerous asteroid and respond if disaster looms. Verizon will not rush to the scene of a mutant Ebola outbreak in Sierra Leone. Microsoft cannot put a leash on Korea’s L’il Kim.

The time has come, in this interconnected, and vulnerable world, for the civilized nations to consider some form of world government.

The objections are obvious. Exhibit A: the UN. How in God’s name are we to include the Iranian Ayatollahs in a government with liberal Swedish socialists and Indian capitalists? How could we have a functional democracy in a world where China and India could out-vote the rest of the world? How would we keep the world’s poor from using a world government to confiscate the wealth of North America, Europe and Japan?

The European Union may be the experiment that points the way. The EU has its difficulties, but so far the direst scenarios have not come to pass. The EU admits only those countries which meet certain standards on human rights and economic responsibility. Today the Muslim nation of Turkey is straining to hit those marks and get onto the waiting list for EU membership.

True to their natures, the Europeans have made the Brussels government something of a laughingstock. It is absurdly bureacratic, for example. Nevertheless, you can drive from Berlin to Paris to Milan to Dublin to Warsaw to Madrid to Rotterdam to Lisbon and never stop at a border, never change currency, never be deprived of medical care, never be outside the shelter of law. People used to say this would never happen. And now it has happened.

The American experience in Iraq has demonstrated that we need the “international community.” We’ve tried to be the world’s policeman, and we’ve screwed it up pretty well. And yet, the world needs a policeman. The world needs someone to fight the viruses, and the terrorists, and the famines and genocides, the environmental threats, and to stop wars from starting. The world needs government, and that government cannot be the government of the United States. The world needs a cop, and it can’t just be us.

As it is now, we give the civilized world a free pass. We jump into the fray and leave the Europeans, Japanese, Canadians, Australians, South Africans, South Koreans, Indians, all sitting on the sidelines offering snide commentary on our performance. We call this leadership. But how is it wise for us to carry the only badge and gun? How does that help us?

A world government would be limited to established democracies. Just as Europe has done, we would carve out large areas of national independence — we wouldn’t stop being the United States. Just as Europe has done, we would set standards for those nations hoping to join that world government. Rogue nations would be ever more isolated. The power of the world government would grow as it gained members. The momentum would become almost irresistable.

This is not idealism run wild. Quite the opposite. The United States cannot and should not try to manage the world alone — that is idealism. When something awful happens in the world, every head should not turn to look at us for salvation. We should begin to form a government uniting North America, Japan, India, Australia and New Zealand, Israel, South Africa, stable South American democracies, and Europe. If Russia can reverse its slide into autocracy, they can join. If China can throw off its Communist dead weight, they will be members, too. Every nation that sees three peaceful democratic political successions, controls corruption, and subscribes to standards of human rights and the rule of law, would be eligible.

It wouldn’t be utopia. Even if everything went perfectly, it wouldn’t be utopia. But avian flu or errant comet, nuclear war or localized genocide, there would be someone to call. Someone that was not just us.

T'Sup With Reynolds?

2008-12-20T01:09:00.003-05:00

So, what the hell have I been doing with myself? Those of you who follow the tedious ins and outs of my life -- prisoners, mental patients and relatives -- will know that I recently abandoned Tuscany, Italy for Irvine, California. Most of you thought: seriously? What the fuck is the matter with you, Reynolds? Are you out of your mind?

Well, the long and short of it is that there was too little parking, shopping and fast food in Italy. Also, too few Mexican restaurants. And no big box office supply stores. And then, there were the needs of the kids to consider. It would have been cruel to continue depriving the kids of theme parks, malls, bowling alleys, mini-golf and all the vast array of transient, false, plastic, soul-killing pleasures that Southern California has in abundance.

Also, I had work to do. And while the Italians are really great at . . . um . . . at . . . um . . . I'm going to say, inhabiting picturesque ruins left behind by Romans, Popes and Brunelleschis . . . they kind of sucked when it came to things like making sure my internet stayed on.

Italy: great place to visit, but you wouldn't want to live there. Unless you were retired. Which I'm not. And why am I not retired? Because I managed to piss away a fairly sizable amount of money back in the 90's. Seriously, if those of you who already kind of can't stand me knew just how much I had basically thrown away with both hands, you'd really hate me.

And now back to the narrative. Which was . . . hmmmmm . . .

Okay, well, let's start back here: I'm in Irvine. Sweet Jesus, I'm in Irvine. Irvine! Isn't that a guy who owns a deli? I was in Pelago -- which sounds like a skin disease -- and suddenly felt the urge to relocate to Irvine. Is it some kind of curse? Why can I not live in a place that sounds cool? I was living in the 600 year-old stone guardhouse of the castello Nippozzano looking out over vineyards, olive trees and wild freaking boars, and now I rent a house that smells of ant-poison in the boringest place on earth and, when the atmospheric conditions are right, enjoy the sweet sounds of the 405.

One thing is for sure: I'm done with North Carolina. We sold the Chapel Hill house. It closed today. The check is in my account. And nine, count 'em, nine people are evidently inhabiting the house formerly occupied by the four of us. My ex-neighbors are so going to hate us. Oh, my God, are they going to hate us.

Of course they don't know where we are. Ah hah hah ha!

But guess what? We sold a house in this market. We got hammered, but we sold it and I am out from under that 4 g's a month. I'm using the proceeds to pay the IRS, Amex, Visa and Mastercard. I will then be debt-free. 100% debtless. Plus enough left over to take the family to one of Southern California's many family-style restaurants. Perhaps The Trough. Or Funnelbees. Or The Pukin' Pig.

Okay, I made those names up. We'll probably go to Claim Jumper because at Claim Jumper they 1) Don't care if your kids are brats, and 2) Serve portions measured not by the ounce, not by the pound, but by the Escalade. A single order of anything at Claim Jumper will feed Sierra Leone for a week. You can go to Claim Jumper, order just one kid's meal and six or eight martinis and handle the needs of a family of four.

Here's what's weird: I'm happy. I know. It makes no sense. First of all, look who I have to spend most of my time with: me. Would you be happy spending all day long with me? No! No rational person would. And yet, I am kinda pleased. And I'm not even drunk. Yet. But I have some fast-ass internet, I love the Gelson's market (tag line: "You Thought Ralph's Was Expensive?"), I'm thinking of getting an Audi A-6, which will never of course replace my late, lamented, beloved, sainted S-500, but which should be enough to let me hold my own on the 405, and I have a second series to write which involves, get this my fellow nerds: creating a language!

I am making up words, contemplating an Audi, debt-free, not in any really serious trouble with the IRS, in possession of both Ashton Maduros and Macanudo Golds, watching Xena on DVD every night with my daughter, plotting world domination with my son, enjoying the fact that my wife is still hot at 52, and sucking on a bottle of Maker's Mark. (Knob Creek carries too many associations, mostly from last week in New York with an editor/agent who shall remain nameless.)

You realize what this means? Tumor, earthquake, heart attack or freak mudslide. I'd stay clear of me if I was you.

Dickdar

2008-12-18T21:13:00.003-05:00

The guy is cold. I've said it from the start. Actually, it surprises me that I've gotten this guy so right. But maybe it's just that like recognizes like. Like gaydar. Except this is is dickdar. Obama's kind of a dick. Calculating.

Throughout the election people all over the web were yammering about Obama being a radical, or a crook, or a wimp, or this or that or the other off-target fantasy. I kept telling people, nope. He's smart, he's subtle, and he's got a nice touch of ruthlessness. Radical? Nah. Weak? No.

This does not mean that Obama has no moral core, no strongly-held beliefs. It means he reads the power dynamics and plucks the strings he needs to pluck.

Latest evidence: Rick Warren. The gay-bashing pastor of a right-wing mega-church will be giving the invocation at the new president's inaugural. The Left is predictably batshit. But who's really hurt by this? Who did Barack Obama just shiv? Every other right wing loudmouth religious nut but especially, especially, especially Dr. (yeah, right) James Dobson.

Obama just chose the leader of his religious right opposition. He just knocked the nasty out of his craziest opponents by picking the kinder, gentler version of the creature. Dobson is done. Warren is the new voice of the bible-thumpers. And that new voice will now owe the new president.

If Warren says something crazy at the ianugural, he embarrasses himself, makes himself and by extension his people, the skunks at the picnic. He'll have driven his own movement still further into intellectual exile.

If he doesn't say something crazy, he signals his readiness to treat with Obama and achieve some sort of detente. Which will drive the loonier of the loons into frothing madness.

Either way, Obama wins.

Gays will scream. Gay marriage supporters (and I am one) will scream. But no one will scream louder than James Dobson. And in the end, I'd guess within a year, gays and their supporters will get what we need from Barack Obama. And we'll get it in part because of this move.

This isn't betrayal. This is a guy showing a hell of a lot more smarts than the so-called "gay community" has shown in advancing its agenda. This is a guy who doesn't want to posture or express himself: he wants to win.

Oh yeah. My dickdar is definitely tingling.

Strange Company

2008-12-16T21:58:00.002-05:00

Statement #1:

I was saddened to learn that at a time of national trial, when a president-elect is preparing to take office in the midst of the worst financial crisis in over seventy years, that the Republican National Committee is engaged in the sort of negative, attack politics that the voters rejected in the 2006 and 2008 election cycles.

In a time when America is facing real challenges, Republicans should be working to help the incoming President succeed in meeting them, regardless of his Party.

From now until the inaugural, Republicans should be offering to help the President-elect prepare to take office.

Furthermore, once President Obama takes office, Republicans should be eager to work with him when he is right, and, when he is wrong, offer a better solution, instead of just opposing him.

This is the only way the Republican Party will become known as the "better solutions" party, not just an opposition party. And this is the only way Republicans will ever regain the trust of the voters to return to the majority.

Statement #2:

What I find fascinating is the eagerness of so many on the right to crow about the end of hope and change. I think you’ve given last rights to hope and change on half a dozen occasions already.

Is that really where the GOP wants to go? You have nothing of your own to offer so you want to identify yourselves as the prophets of doom? And when doom doesn’t arrive? What do have then?

You’re fighting straw men. And you’re going to lose your battle with straw men. And then what are you?

And a bit further down the page in that same link, Statement #3:

Now, I’m telling you this stuff won’t fly. The GOP new needs ideas and a new approach. You can’t win by announcing the death of Hope and Change, because until you figure out where you’re actually going it puts you in the position of representing Despair and Stasis. You can’t drive the country into a ditch and then sit on the side of the road criticizing the folks who come along and try to pull it back out. It will make your party even more despised than it already is.

Statement #1, Newt Gingrich. Statements #2 and #3, me. Newt Gingrich and I are on the same page. That can't be good.

Christmas Spirit. Totally.

2008-12-15T01:47:00.002-05:00

1- The Christmas Song (Chestnuts Roasting on an Open Fire) - Mel Tormé, Robert Wells
2- Santa Claus Is Coming To Town - Fred Coots, Haven Gillespie
3- Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmas - Ralph Blane, Hugh Martin
4- Winter Wonderland - Felix Bernard, Richard B. Smith
5- White Christmas - Irving Berlin
6- Let It Snow! Let It Snow! Let It Snow! - Sammy Cahn, Jule Styne
7- Rudolph The Red Nosed Reindeer - Johnny Marks
8- Jingle Bell Rock - Joseph Carleton Beal, James Ross Boothe
9- I’ll Be Home For Christmas - Walter Kent, Kim Gannon, Buck Ram
10- Little Drummer Boy - Katherine K. Davis, Henry V. Onorati, Harry Simeone

What’s that list? The most popular Christmas carols, according to this site which is probably just making it up.

I hate Christmas. I don’t mean that I hate it in a cute Grinch-Scrooge-Christmas Special kind of way where I just need to learn the true meaning of Christmas. I will not be redeemed at the end of this tale. I will not be reformed by spectral visitations. There’s no reassuring moral at the end of this tale. So if you’re looking forward to saying, “Awww. . .” you’re reading the wrong blog post.

Christmas is dominated by two very problematic characters: Baby Jesus and Santa Claus.

The story of the baby Jesus, as most of you know, is essentially a tale of horror. First, He’s chased around by a megalomaniac ruler who’s decided to kill Him. Herod misses Jesus but manages to kill all the other baby boys in the vicinity, which casts something of a pall over the Baby Jesus’ holiday season.

Then the Baby Jesus’ Christmas takes an even worse turn when the only gifts he gets are gold, frankinscense and myrrh. The baby Jesus can’t play with myrrh. He doesn’t even know what myrrh is. Baby Jesus wanted a rattle and a teething ring, was that so much to ask for? But no: it’s krugerrands and two different types of tree resin.

The Baby Jesus was like, “What, I wasn’t a good little boy? You calling Me naughty? You know who I am? Do you not notice the way all My pronouns are capitalized? Take your myrrh on out of here and bring Me one of those toy lawnmowers that goes pop! pop! pop! when I push it around the stable.”

And 33 years after that first disastrous Christmas, the Baby Jesus ends up having an even worse Easter.

As for Santa Claus, he knows when you are sleeping, he knows when you’re awake, he knows if you’ve been bad or good. At best Santa has serious boundaries issues. At worst we’re looking at a monstrous villain who uses illegal means to invade the privacy of children all over the world. God only knows what he does with the data he compiles.

All of which explains why Christmas music is so grim and joyless. When you base a holiday on the lives of a deprived, doomed baby and a sneaky blackmailer, you’re not going to get a lot of cheerful tune-age. The average Nine Inch Nails album is happier than any collection of Christmas carols.

Christmas carols, with their incessant demands for weather phenomena that each year lead to dozens of traffic deaths, with their tales of brutal hazing endured by malformed reindeer, their disturbed hallucinatory rants (I’ll be home for Christmas if only in my dreams,) and their barely-disguised drug culture anthems (I’m dreaming of a white Christmas, sniff, sniff. Merry and bright? Uh huh, we get it, Irving,) are the inevitable result of a culture debased by this forced celebration of hay-bound babies and overweight peeping toms.

But no Christmas carol so exemplifies the underlying horror of Christmas as The Little Drummer Boy.

I’ll play my drum for Him, parumpah pum pum.

Hey, about you play the drum later, champ? The Baby Jesus is trying to sleep. He’s got a headache from the Myrrh. And He’s finally down. So be a good kid and . . .

I’ll play my drum for Him, parumpah pum pum, rumpah pum pum, rumpah pum pum.

Look kid, the Virgin Mary and I have had a long couple of days. The Baby Jesus is finally asleep and we’d really like to curl up on some nice cow-crap-saturated hay and catch a couple Z’s ourselves, so . . .

Come they told me, parumpah pum pum!

Who told you? Was it those shepherds? I am going to kick . . .

Rumpah pum pum . . .

Great! Now He’s awake. You rotten little brat with your stupid drum, you woke Him up! He’ll probably turn my wine into water again.

Pum . . . Pum . . . Rumpah pum pum . . .

You never hear about what happened next to the “little” drummer boy, do you? No, they leave out that verse.

Run, they told me parumpah pum pum
Joe’s got a baseball bat parumpah pum pum
He says he’s had it up to rumpah pum pum
And if I want to live I’ll run papum run
Run papum run
Run papum run.

Kid got away, but it was a close call. And he never played the drum again, I can tell you that.

No, Of Course We Won't

2008-12-13T11:38:00.003-05:00

But it's organic!

I get irritated when people refer to a problem as intractable, insoluble. Some things actually are. But a lot of problems are only insoluble because the solution seems worse than the problem. Emphasis on "seems."

In any event, most problems have a solution. And if there's a solution, but we simply don't like the solution, we shouldn't say they are insoluble. We should say, "We choose not to solve that particular problem."

Joe Klein writing about Afghanistan points to the fact that with the Taliban and Al Qaeda safe within Pakistan, it's hard to see how we win. True. As I pointed out, oh, about two years ago. Klein also makes the point that the war in Afghanistan has become money-driven, more about opium and graft than religion.

I have a solution: we grow opium.

Follow me here. The Taliban and various narco-jihadists rely on opium for income. Income which translates into men and weapons. So the solution is straightforward: cut off their income. How? By drastically lowering the price of opium. And how do we do that? Well, ask yourself who can grow more opium at a lower cost: Abdul the Pashtun Poppy Planter? Or Archer Daniels Midland. Abdul has his faithful donkey who hauls his crop up winding mountain paths. ADM has trucks and trains.

We unleash the free market. The price of opium will drop like a rock. Abdul's income likewise plummets. The narco-jihadists have no money, thus no men, and no weapons.

Granted this would have the unintended consequence of securing Keith Richards' support for American foreign policy, but there's a bigger picture to consider. The situation on the Afghanistan-Pakistan border may metastisize and destabilize Pakistan itself. (If you can use the word "destabilize" in referring to a country that's already looking like a dreidel twirled by a drunk.)

Pakistan, in case you've forgotten, has nuclear weapons. Workable ones, not sad little firecrackers like North Korea has. If Pakistan goes over the edge it is very, very easy to see how New York City goes up in a mushroom cloud within a few months. So we have a lot on the line here.

If we grow opium we destroy the financing of the Taliban and in the process leave the Karzai government (using that word very loosely) of Afghanistan with only one source of income: American aid. In other words, we get a multiplier effect. It's quite a bit easier to monitor the uses of American aid than it is to keep track of drug money.

Why can't we do this? Because it would make us the world's leading supplier of drugs instead of being merely the world's leading consumer of drugs. We'd be producing what we consume and would lose our ability to pretend that we're not really the problem to begin with. There would no doubt be a shift away from relatively expensive drugs to cheaper opium. But who cares? Would there be an overall increase in the numbers of hardcore drug users? Doubtful. I still wouldn't shoot heroin. Not even if it was free. Would you?

The lives of perhaps millions of innocents, versus the lives of a handful of junkies. That's not what would stop us from pursuing this rational and effective policy. It's our hypocrisy that would stop us.

The Horror Of Competence.

2008-12-06T00:28:00.004-05:00

It's an unfamiliar feeling. The President of the United States is actually smarter than I am. He knows more than I do. He's not only smarter, he's better-informed.

And it's not just a matter of IQ or education. It's that I think Barack Obama is better suited to running the country than I am. (Okay, any number of people are. As president I'd be on the McCain end of the McCain-Obama 'Cursing, Craziness n' Drama' scale. President Reynolds is reported to be drunk and depressed after launching nuclear weapons against the Pakistani Tribal areas. Sources say he's intervening to get more episodes of 30 Rock.)

In fact, here's the thing: if Obama says the answer is X and I say it's Y, the chances are it's X. I'd bet on it. I'd bet he's right and I'm wrong.

When's the last time you felt that way? No, not about me, Jesus, keep up. I mean, when's the last time you actually believed the President of the United States, POTUS, the big guy, the Commander in Chief, was actually less full of shit than you are?

I always knew Bill Clinton was smart as hell. But I never believed in him, I never trusted that he was using his IQ to best advantage. I always knew he could be led around by his dick, and that he was undisciplined and emotional and too in love with his own capacity for manipulation.

I knew Nixon was smart, but of course he was also Satan, which mitigated the intelligence thing a bit.

I never thought Reagan was smart, but I thought he was strong, and comfortable in his own skin. I never trusted him, often disagreed with him, but I respected him. (Mr. Gorbachev, tear down this wall. Goddamn right, Ronnie. And yeah, they were an evil empire.)

I always thought Carter was an idiot. And a pussy to boot. I never liked Bush the Elder but he knew some things, he was a good man, a genuine public servant. Not an idiot.

As for Bush the Lesser, I didn't vote for him but I was at peace with him beating Gore. The country was in pretty good shape at that point. Bush inherited a big surplus, we were undisputed masters of planet Earth, democracy had triumphed. I figured, "Okay, he's an arrogant frat boy twat, but how much damage can he do?"

Ah hah hah hah. Hah. Hah hah hah hahahahahahah. Oh, lordie. Hah hah hah hah. But seriously. Hah hahahahahahahahahahaha. (Wiping away tears of laughter.)

The point is that from Nixon to Ford (who?) to Carter to Reagan to Big Bush to Clinton to Baby Bush I always felt I knew just a teensy bit better than they did. "Teensy bit," except for Clinton and Baby Bush who I thought were such useless fucking imbeciles that even I couldn't fuck the country up any more than they did. In fact, I'd swap the average Starbucks barista straight across for either of them. A Starbucks barista can make a cappuccino, which makes them roughly 100% more useful that either Mr. Carter or Mr. Bush.

Although about half of Starbucks baristas don't know the difference between a cappuccino and a latte. Here's a clue: if the cap weighs the same as a latte you've screwed up. Especially if I say I want a dry cappuccino. I mean, really. Are you not embarrassed to hand me a "dry" cap and a latte and they weigh exactly the same?

Where was I? Oh yeah, here's the point: it's weird. This feeling that the President is maybe not a buffoon. This feeling that maybe I don't need to be playing Air Potus, trying to put some English on the ball, trying to exert some ethereal telekinetic power to direct the president toward the correct door, the one labeled "The Smart Choice," and away from the door labeled, "Chimpanzees Only."

What if this continues? What if it turns out Obama really is smart? And centered? And strong? What if he knows better than I do? What if he doesn't need me yelling, "No, you stupid asshole, that's the wrong choice!"

What the hell am I going to do with myself for the next four years?

What will become of me?

The Goof

2008-12-05T00:42:00.002-05:00

Good dog.

Goofy is a good dog. He used to be kind of a bad dog. He once ate the legs off an entire antique, quarter-sawn oak table and chairs. We ended up giving them away. He also ate sheet rock. What you might call, a wall.

Goofy is a sort of idiot savant. Mostly, he's an idiot. As a matter of fact he's about 90% idiot. The savant part applies only to the obtaining of food. Goofy has eaten every form of food product known to man or dog-kind and from every possible location. Turkey off the kitchen counter? Check. Cheez-its from the covered trash? No sweat. Cookies crushed beneath a Wile E. Coyote anvil? Oh, he can do that.

Part of Goofy's genius is that he recognizes food sources where most animals don't. Is dog shit food? Absolutely. Rabbit shit? Clearly. In Tuscany he ate olives straight off the tree. Under some circumstances mulch is food. Dead things? Sure. Also gravel.

In the last year Goofy has survived being shipped from North Carolina to Germany, then a car ride to Italy, then a plane ride to New York, a night in a posh Manhattan kennel, a flight to California, and two weeks in another kennel. (They had a pool! Seriously. Dude: it's L.A.) And then he encountered the carpet in our new abode here in neutron-bombed Irvine. He tore a ligament and had to have surgery.

$3,000 worth of surgery. Followed by 8 weeks of lying around, (hence the cage) being plied with food. Which I worry will erode his food-scrounging skills.

Now Goofy has a big purple bandage on one leg, a morphine patch on the other, and a cone on his head. Also his ass has been shaved. We don't quite know why, and he sure as hell doesn't know why.

Goofy would like you all to know that he is fine, although somewhat mystefied by his current predicament.

Thanksgrudging

2008-11-27T20:03:00.002-05:00

Is it too late to do the obligatory Thanksgiving post? It is? Excellent. Then I'll just have to mix a little irritation in with all that sappy thankfulness.

I'm thankful that it looks like we've sold the Chapel Hill house.

Of course I got screwed. Remember Shawshank? Kind of like that. Albeit with seven months of expensive foreplay.

I'm thankful that I've finally learned to stay the hell out of real estate.

Sadly, I'd already learned that on my previous two houses.

So, I'm thankful that I've learned that I'm kind of slow when it comes to understanding investing generally.

I'll have to work till I die. And if I live and work another 30 years I'll still be paying taxes to cover the debts of the private dining room crowd.

(Parenthetically, isn't there some way we can line a few of those guys up, tie a Brooks Brothers blindfold around their eyes, hand them a final Cohiba and then run their arrogant, stupid, greedy asses over with a BMW? There would be your moral hazard. Not to mention a profitable pay-per-view event.)

I'm thankful to be back in the U.S. of A.

Too bad it's California, where the state income tax is 9%.

I'm thankful that 2009 looks pretty good for us. GONE comes out in paper, HUNGER comes out in hardcover, and I'm just finalizing a contract for a second series.

None of which will sell as well as those Harlequin romance novels disguised as vampire stories.

I'm thankful for my two extraordinary children.

And that I have a really loud voice capable of shocking them into temporary obedience.

And the wife.

Who I can't shock into even temporary obedience.

And that my brain still kind of works.

Except obviously when it comes to investing.

I'm thankful that George W. Bush is leaving.

About 8 years too late.

And I'm thankful that we have a new president who I believe will do a better job.

And help to repair the economy so that I will feel the confidence to begin investing again.

Probably in real estate.

Why Americans Are Fat

2008-11-17T21:24:00.003-05:00

Returning to the US from Italy I notice a couple of things:

1) Damn we have big, wide, straight roads.

2) Italians don't do landscaping in city, suburb or highway. Californians do. Advantage California.

3) The US is amazingly bright. Lights everywhere.

4) This is a very roomy country. You could walk around swinging a dead cat over your head. (If anyone has a dead cat they'd like me to swing . . .)

5) I know it's superficial, but I kind of like it that Americans smile.

6) Italians look like Italians. Americans look like every nationality on earth. But fatter.

7) Sweet Jeebus Americans are fat.

8) I mean, OMG: we are fat.

9) Yes, at 6'2" and 235 I include myself . . .

10) . . . but in Italy I was a freakish, awe-inspiring giant of a man, while here I don't break the top 10%. You know why? Because this is one fat-ass country.

Why are Americans so fat? You'll see all kinds of theories. My instinct generally is that when you see "all kinds of theories" chances are there's no one answer. I have a number of explanations, each of which I believe explains a part, though not all, of the problem.

1) An Italian eats meals at regular times. We eat whenever we damn well feel like it. And as many times per day as we like. The only time an American can't gorge is when he's asleep.

2) Our dessert choices are endless. Italians cannot bake. Sorry: they can't. They should not be allowed to use flour except for pasta. It's like a national intellectual dysfunction. Italian desserts are pannacotta (flavorless white goo), cannoli (rock-hard tubes filled with flavorless white goo), chocolate bars, and gelato -- which is ice cream minus the cream.

American desserts are pannacotta, cannoli and gelato. And. Dozens of flavors of donut, pies in 30 different varieties, cakes in dozens of forms, tortes, tarts, ice cream, ice cream with dozens of different sweets mixed in, cheesecake in 30 different flavors -- and that's just at the Cheesecake Factory, roughly a thousand different species of cookie all of which are superior to every Italian cookie, mousse, pudding, danish, Twinkies, fried pies, muffins, an endless variety of candy, and every single other dessert ever conceived of in any nation in the world. We have every single dessert ever invented by homo sapiens. And they are pretty much all available 24/7/365.

3) We built cars first and then the the country. We are great ones for concrete and long distances. So, except in a few cities like New York, it is all-but impossible for an American to accomplish anything without a car. If your day involves four errands and you can only reach one on foot, guess what: you drive to all four and walk to none.

4) The US of A is a great big, roomy country. If you weigh 350 pounds in Italy you can't get into a shop to buy your hard, joyless, unsalted bread. But if you weigh 350 pounds in the US you can waddle right on into the Cheesecake Factory and settle yourself into a booth. (Yep, that's two Cheesecake Factory references. CF is to fat people what Mecca is to Muslims.)

5) Americans can turn anything into a "right." The right to carry a gun into church. The right to sue for, well, anything. The right to be as big as a mid-size SUV. We are all about the absolute right to do whatever we want and if you don't like it, screw you.

6) We adapt. You know what you'd call an Italian who weighed 350 pounds? Naked. Because he'd never find a shirt or a pair of pants. Italians don't work too hard at responding to market demand. You say you want stores to be open on Sunday? Um . . . no. You say you want a bank you can just walk in and out of like it was just a bank and not the White House under condition red? Um . . . no. You want your car fixed during lunch? Ah hah hah ha, good one.

But Americans, oh, we adapt. If you have a dollar in your pocket we will, by God, do whatever it takes to get that dollar away from you. You say you need a mumu big enough to clothe the entire nation of Sudan? Got it right here, ma'am. You can be as big as you want, we will serve your needs.

7) We work really hard. Really. You might think hard work would be thinning, but no. Just the opposite. Because when you have to eat at your desk guess what? You won't be enjoying a small green salad, a nice piece of fish and some grilled eggplant. Italians have time to eat a nice, healthy lunch. We have time to shove a burger into our frantic maws. They eat sitting down. We eat driving.

8) We smoke a lot less than they do.

9) We have a lot more children. Not only is pregnancy fattening (well, no kidding,) but having a bunch of kids makes it more likely that more parents are doing more work to support their ungrateful children and spending correspondingly less time cooking healthy, balanced meals.

10) We have awful weather compared with Europe. Our winters in much of the country are colder and longer, and our summers are hotter and more humid. During the worst of the Tuscan summer my landlords would ask, "Is this hotter than in America?" Uh, sure, hotter than a summer in Minnesota, maybe. But hotter than North Carolina in summer? Hell isn't hotter than North Carolina in summer.

Because our weather is hideous almost year-round in much of the country the great outdoors is not terribly inviting. As a corollary, we out-air-condition everyone. So inside (where the food is) is much more pleasant than outside (where the humidity and the exercise are.)

11) We are paranoid and hyper-protective. When I was a kid my parents shoved me out the door after breakfast and saw me next at dinner. I wandered far in my freedom and had many fine adventures. If I offered my kids the same freedom Child Protective Services would arrest me.

Conclusion: Americans have created the perfect conditions for the growth of human fat. Every age group, every ethnic group, every economic group with the exception of those who can afford liposuction, is fat. Italians who emigrate to the US promptly get fat. We have a culture that offers us every chance to gain weight, little incentive to stay thin, and caters with magnificent efficiency to our fat-ass needs.

So, I'm going on a diet. Again.

PJ O'Rourke

2008-11-08T18:23:00.003-05:00

An absolute must-read from PJ O'Rourke.

H/T: the indispensable The Moderate Voice.

Home To America

2008-11-08T18:23:00.001-05:00

I have been hesitating over this post.

I’ve moved around a great deal in my life and I have yet to figure out how to do it without making people feel as if I am somehow insulting them and rejecting their town or city or country. I never intend it that way. I have my own odd preferences, my own peculiar tastes, and of course my own agenda.

Long story short, we’re leaving Italy and moving back to the States.

Our visa will expire in spring, so one way or the other we were going to leave in a few months. But we’re bailing early. Like in a week. And here’s the part that’ll make you spit up your Amarone: we’ve chosen southern California. Trading villas and vineyards for used car lots and, um, new car lots.

I am the most impatient person I’ve ever met. I go through life wishing everyone, everywhere would get the hell out of my way. On the road, on the sidewalk, in lines at the store: move! I want all my questions answered instantly. I want everything right now. I am in a huge rush and have been my entire life. Which is odd considering that I’m pretty much inert most of the time.

So you’re thinking, “Well, Michael, it’s good that you’re self-aware enough to know this. Now, what in hell are you doing in Italy? Why didn’t you move to Japan or Germany or New York?”

That’s an excellent question there, theoretical interlocutor. And I have an inadequate answer: I thought I might change. I thought I might slow down, take on less work, stop and smell the flowers. Instead, in the seven months I’ve been here I’ve gone from one book a year and one blog, to two books a year and three blogs. And I’m angling for a third book a year. And I want to start doing a lot more promo. And I’m tangentially involved in a new technology company. Plus I’m thinking of getting involved in book packaging. And e-books. And I’d love to learn how to write scripts.

You’d think a writer would know that core character doesn’t change that much. I’m still impatient and ambitious and greedy and controlling. And to put it bluntly, Italy is getting in my way.

Partly it’s just this rustic lifestyle. It takes forever to get anywhere. If I were willing to shop old-school Italian — make the daily pilgrimage to macelleria to polleria to salumeria and all the other rias — I’d still have to drive fifteen minutes into Pontassieve, search for scarce parking, maybe find it, maybe not, climb the hill to the Centro and spend an hour waiting in line, waiting for things to be wrapped, waiting and walking around with all the string-bag ladies, and all for what? So that I could spend an hour cooking dinner? Who has time for that?

So it’s the local mini-supermarket or a major haul to an Ipercoop. Down narrow, windy roads dodging cars that cross the line into my lane, resisting the urge to nail a passing motorino just for the hell of it. All of it taking time. Time on the road. Time in the absurdly long lines. Time here and time there in little increments, but all of it coming from either my work time or my precious inertness time.

Partly it’s rusticity. Partly it’s Italian rusticity.

Mostly it’s the lack of control. Control freak? Yeah. Just a little. I hate that if I’m hungry at 4:00 pm I won’t find anything, anywhere but a stale prosciutto sandwich. I hate that I can’t just pull into a Wendy’s. I hate the way I can’t do business from noon till 2:30, or 3:00 or 4:00. And I hate the way the country shuts down on Sundays. It offends me. I want to decide for myself what I’ll do and where I’ll go and when and for how long. And as far as I’m concerned the world should wait with bated breath for me to make those decisions and then leap to satisfy my every wish.

I can’t get phone calls returned, or emails answered. Even when all I’m trying to do is get someone to provide the service they presumably need to provide in order to pay their rent. I can’t stand it! I can’t stand the fact that I can’t just wave an American Express card and get people to actually deliver what they are in business to deliver. Don’t these people understand that money makes the world go round?

I can’t get Italy to give me what I want when I want it. I want 250 Advil in a bottle I grab from the shelf, not 12 ibuprofen I have to wait in line for. I want fried eggs in the evening. I want coffee in a take-out cup. I want an ATM card that dispenses more than 750 Euros a month. Italians seem to think that just because they’re a two thousand year-old civilization that they have a right to do things in ways of which I disapprove. They seem determined to deny my God-given American right to have whatever the hell I want whenever the hell I want it. And in a wide variety of sizes.

And then, there’s the girl. (No, not a mistress: my effort to convince Katherine that I should adopt what I was hoping was the local custom went nowhere.) I mean our daughter. Kid likes people. Go figure. She needs friends. She needs a group. She likes sports. She wants to be on a soccer team and take gymnastics and fencing and surfing and skateboarding. (Strange the way she likes humans and physical activity. She may need therapy.)

Arranging to ship our car home I ran into a brick wall. No answers. No one who seemed to know anything. 10 days and it was like I was howling into the void. But ffter numerous unanswered emails and ignored phone calls I finally found a responsive, competent person who could answer my questions directly. She replied instantly to my emails. She knew her business. She had definitive answers. She was . . . Finnish.

Our competent Finn has lived in Italy for 20 years. Here’s what she told us, unprompted: Italy is for visiting. It’s a great place to visit. But you wouldn’t want to work here.

And unfortunately that’s my conclusion as well. I will probably never live any place as beautiful as Tuscany. I walk the dogs in the morning with the mist rolling over the vineyard and it’s lovely. It’s a beautiful, beautiful place. If I was retired it might work. But I’m an impatient workaholic and man, this is just the wrong country for me. I just don’t have the time for Italy.

A week from now we’ll be in L.A. A week after that I’ll be bitching about it.

Okay, One More On Palin. Then That's It.

2008-11-08T14:15:00.002-05:00

Justin Gardner at Donklephant thinks some of the hits on Palin are unfair. No doubt. But I think his defense of her intelligence is off-base: Palin really is an ignoramus. And while ignorance is not the same as stupidity, there's a level of ignorance which works as prima facie evidence of stupidity. Set aside the recent leaks and go back to the Couric interview alone. Having been warned off the "I can see Rooshia from here!" justification of her foreign policy savvy she repeated it. That's not just ignorant, that's stupid. In fact it's twice stupid: once for being dumb enough to believe it and then again for being dumb enough not to know that it was dumb the first time.

Justin:

What’s ironic, and what these anonymous aides couldn’t possibly predict, is that these attacks could bolster her credibility as an outsider. Especially since the attacks seem to be so blatantly self-serving for those involved.

Not only that, the right-wing blogosphere is coming out in full force against the attacks and are threatening to try and banish those who are revealed as the leakers. That doesn’t mean it’ll work, but I can’t imagine that the folks who spread these rumors were anticipating such an intense backlash.

Wingnuts (either end) always double down on stupid. It's what makes them wingnuts. So it's not much of a surprise that the right side of the blogosphere would leap to defend the object of their hot-mom puppy love. But I doubt that will translate into a future for Palin. She's a very tarnished brand.

Palin will be anathema to the Money! and Bombs! wings of the GOP. Both Money! and Bombs! Republicans are literate and able to read (balance sheets and maps respectively.) Palin's only possible constituency is the Jesus! wing of the GOP, the day laborers of the party. If the GOP has gotten its act together in time for the 2012 campaign they'll be lined up behind a Money! or Bombs! Republican.

Or, to put it another way, if Palin is a serious contender for the nomination in 2012 it will only be because the GOP is still deep into its civil war. Which would be lots of fun for me as a Democrat but not a good thing for me as an American.

Just When Things Were Going Great.

2008-11-07T15:17:00.003-05:00

So unemployment is at a 14 year high.

GM is operating shredders around the clock in a frantic effort to rid itself of every last dollar it has.

Bankers won't lend money because they aren't stupid enough to trust a bunch of idiot bankers like themselves.

We're trapped in two interminable wars.

The stock market is relocating from Wall Street to Six Flags Magic Mountain.

Our highways and bridges would embarrass Zimbabwe, our airports actually predate the Wright Brothers, we're so far in debt that our Morlock and Eloi descendants are already broke, and Osama Bin Laden is still alive.

Man. I sure hope the Democrats don't fuck things up.

Semi-Live

2008-11-04T18:24:00.016-05:00

Your humble narrator.

3:21 am: Pelago, Italy: Okay, seriously. I want to go to sleep now. Why don't I just go to sleep? Because of . . . wait a minute. Ohio for Obama. MSNBC. Fox agrees. Ballgame. Barack Obama will be the next President of the United States.

2:42 am: Pelago, Italy: Isn't it odd how quiet Drudge is? It's like they took the night off. No cherry-picked polls? No bizarre anti-Obama charges? Did his fedora finally smother poor Matt? CNN joins in on PA. Kind of hard to see how Obama loses this now.

2:36 am: Pelago, Italy: F**k, we gave up Georgia. It doesn't matter to the election but it means I was wrong. And really, aren't my bragging rights what this is all about?

2:34 am: Pelago, Italy: CBS chimes in with Pennsylvania. Legacy network unanimity.

2:06: Pelago, Italy: ABC calls Pennyslvania and NH for Obama. Meanwhile CNN is babbling. What, no more holograms?

2:04: Pelago, Italy: NBC calls Pennsylvania for Obama! If that holds up it's over.

2:02 freaking am: Pelago, Italy: Decided against PB&J. Went with the grilled cheese. That's certainly the big news. Wolf projects a bunch of states no one gives a damn about. McCain gets Oklahoma. Obama gets Illinois. It was a good grilled cheese. Mmmm.

1:47 am: Pelago, Italy: I'm hungry. Wish I had some gelato. Also better bourbon. Elections go better with Knob Creek. Sleepy. Not so much an election live-blog as a series of whines. How about a peanut butter and jelly? That might be nice. Give me some numbers! I'm sick of Gergen. I miss MSNBC.

1:40: Pelago, Italy: Crappy Italian internet connection fading in and out. Bourbon taking toll. Stuck watching Blitzer. Honest to God, how does he keep his job? Is he not the single most boring person on television?

1:17 am: Pelago, Italy: CNN has holograms. Ooookay. And this is cool because? Blitzer is talking about being able to have a more intimate conversation with Jessica Yellin. Eyes just lit up at LiveNudeGirls.com.

1:08 am: Pelago, Italy: MSNBC's Scarborough: "This is a repudiation of the entire Republican party."

1:04 am: Pelago, Italy: CNBC has cut off the MSNBC stream so I'm back on the internet link.

12:56 am: Pelago, Italy: Norah O'Donnell of MSNBC reports that a GOP source in North Carolina has admitted that Elizabeth Dole is toast. Good. Dole's "Godless" ad was the sub-basement beneath the bottom of the GOP barrel. Good riddance, Liddie.

12:33 am: Pelago, Italy. By the way, yes, I have TV. CNBC Europe is streaming MSNBC -- so much better than my herky-jerky internet feed. Also I have Fox and CNN International which is running with the US CNN feed. Thank God for that last: 20 minutes of CNN International will put you in a coma. CNNI is actually more boring than regular CNN which I didn't even know was possible. As for Fox, what is it with those people and the graphics? Is it news or a video game?

I'm also bouncing around the usual web suspects: HuffPo, Sully, Drudge, Kos, RedState and various web friends.

For those who care about atmospherics: Me, Katherine and Jake in our fairly bare, IKEA-furnished living room. Terra cotta-tile cieling and floor, whitewashed walls, giant fireplace no fire, the pug snoring, Goofy on the rug, all three of us on our laptops, me drinking alternately from a bottle of Acqua Panna and Jack Daniels.

It rained like crazy earlier, but it's clear now.

So far, reading the omens I don't see evidence that anyone thinks McCain is going to win.

12:28 am: Pelago, Italy. You think the polls are closing slowly for you? 6:30 pm EST is half past midnight to me. I'm really hoping we get a call sooner rather than later. A lot going on in my life right now, I need my sleep.

Sad

2008-11-03T13:01:00.003-05:00

"My friends, Joe the Plumber, Obama is a socialist. Thank you."

Summarizing the McCain stump speech I just watched. Amazing. John McCain. The John McCain. He sounds sillier than Mike Huckabee. It's depressing. John McCain, for God's sake.

Joe the Plumber. Jesus H. Christ.

Least Popular Man On Earth Supports McCain

2008-11-02T09:08:00.002-05:00

Boy, it just goes to show you how much quicker the Obama campaign is. They already have an ad up talking about Dick Cheney's endorsement of McCain-Palin. But McCain's people still haven't produced an ad bragging about this major "get." I'm sure it will be long any minute now. Maybe tomorrow. Or in a few days.

Our Own Barrel

2008-11-01T11:42:00.001-04:00

Republicans don't have a monopoly on assholery.

Give Me POLLS!

2008-11-01T09:49:00.003-04:00

I need more polls.

I'm not kidding here, I need me some polls. Sweet, sweet polls.

Pennsylvania, Virginia, North Carolina, Colorado, New Mexico, Ohio, Florida. Did I mention Pennsylvania? POOOOOOOLLLS!

Rasmussen, Gallup, Mason Dixon, Hotline, ARG, Marist, Strategic Vision, CNN, NYT, WashingtonPost/ABC, WSJ/NBC. POOOOOOLLLLLLLS! POOOOOOOOLLLLLLS!

I'm tying off, man. I got my works out. Oh yeah, baby. Come on, right here, right in the vein. Oh yeah . . . so good . . . so . . . Oh, man, somebody ripped me off with some weak-ass, stepped-on Zogby! No way, that's not going to do it. I'm jonesing bad, I can't be getting by on Zogby!

Okay, don't panic. Don't panic. Pollster.com will hook me up. What? Nothing new? Okay, talk to me RCP, you have to be holding. I need a fix, man, you can't cut me off like this.

Fivethirthyeight, you know I love you, you know I'll do anything for you. Anything. You know what I'm saying? I just need me some poll. Daddy needs it bad.

You got what? A California poll? What the f**k am I gonna do with a California poll? Are you kidding me? At least give me a taste of some Montana or Indiana.

Anybody? Can anyone help me? I just need something to get me by. Honest to God, I'm going to get cleaned up. I swear. In like a couple of days. But right now man, right now I need some random sampling.

I need it. So bad.

One More Crazy Prediction

2008-10-31T07:55:00.004-04:00

John McCain's senate seat is up in 2010. If he loses the presidential election will he stick out the two years? Or will he resign early?

Arizona law apparently requires the governor to appoint a replacement from the same political party as the resigning senator.

So Arizona's Democratic governor, Janet Napolitano, would be required to appoint a Republican to hold McCain's seat until 2010. (Of course I don't think there's a law that she has to appoint an electorally formidable Republican.)

I believe McCain will be unable to swallow his pride and remain in an almost impotent Republican minority. I think he'll be angry and resentful -- of his own party as well as toward Democrats. His own party doesn't like him and would be very unlikely to place him in the leadership.

So, I think if he loses the presidency McCain will quit the Senate.

Embarrassing Yourself

2008-10-31T04:30:00.002-04:00

In 1972 I cast my first vote in a presidential election. Richard Nixon. Within a couple of weeks I was in front of the White House demonstrating for the impeachment of Richard Nixon.

So when I talk about embarrassing electoral decisions I know whereof I speak.

Those of you voting for John McCain on the basis of fear of Obama are going down that path. A vote against Obama will embarrass you later in life. You're going to very quickly come to realize -- well, those of you who aren't just blinder-clad partisan tools -- that the McCain campaign's attacks on Obama were not just dishonest but ludicrous.

Let me put on my magic Slytherin predicting hat: Obama will govern from the center. He will appoint a cabinet that will be more genuinely bi-partisan, or more to the point non-partisan, than any we've seen in modern history. Respected technocrats at Treasury. A respected-by-the-military moderate, possibly a Republican, at Defense.

His inauguration speech will trouble the DailyKos.com but hearten TheModerateVoice.com.

He will reach out to Hillary as a force in the Senate to counterbalance Nancy Pelosi in the House.

He will focus on the economy and put more contentious issues on the back burner.

A year into his presidency the economy will have improved (it always does: we're the Americans, and this isn't 1929,) and he will have done nothing terribly radical or scary and the McCain smear and fear campaign will be a sort of vague memory. Those that fell for it will deny ever having done so.

We'll see whether I'm right. But I'll tell you this: what I've just described is the real right-wing fear. The GOP's hard right doesn't fear a radical Obama: they'd love a radical Obama. It's a successful Obama that terrifies them. Following a second failed Bush with a second successful moderate Democrat would doom the genuinely radical dreams of the far right. The GOP would be forced to the center. Forced to compromise on abortion and gay rights. Forced to choose between moving toward the center or letting themselves be entirely defined by the wingnuts.

The rest of you who cast a vote for McCain on the basis of your fears of Obama will feel like fools. And by the way, you will be. Just like I was in 1972.

Lowest of the Low

2008-10-29T18:31:00.003-04:00

Just in case any of you still doubted my contention that there is literally no bottom to the Republican barrel, there's Elizabeth Dole. Find the lowest point of the lowest gutter and you'll find Dole.

Elizabether Dole: Republican.

More Commies For Obama

2008-10-26T17:33:00.004-04:00

This kinda plays hell with the whole Obama-as-socialist nuttiness. The Financial Times endorses Obama:

Rest assured that, should he win, Mr Obama is bound to disappoint. How could he not? He is expected to heal the country’s racial divisions, reverse the trend of rising inequality, improve middle-class living standards, cut almost everybody’s taxes, transform the image of the United States abroad, end the losses in Iraq, deal with the mess in Afghanistan and much more besides.

Succeeding in those endeavours would require more than uplifting oratory and presidential deportment even if the economy were growing rapidly, which it will not be.

The challenges facing the next president will be extraordinary. We hesitate to wish it on anyone, but we hope that Mr Obama gets the job.

Warren Buffet, Robert Rubin, Paul Volcker and now FT. Bunch of damn commies is what they are.

The Wackaloon From Wasilla

2008-10-26T05:48:00.002-04:00

Gotta read this. So mean I could have written it.

God, I love Sarah Palin. Now there's word that she wants to be unleashed.

Please, please, in the name of all that's holy and entertaining, unleash Sarah Palin.

Pickin' It

2008-10-25T08:48:00.005-04:00

No guts no glory. 10 days out. I'm bettin there is no "Bradley effect." I'm betting Obama really does have a ground game. And I'm betting the American people have decided it won't be McCain-Palin..

Obama: 55
McCain: 44
Other: 1

In the electoral college, a landslide 396 for the O man.

All of New England, the Northeast and the west coast. CO, NM, NV, MT and ND in the mountains and desert. The Midwest including MO and IN as well as OH. VA, NC, FL and yes, even GA. Hawaii comes in last.

He will not get a 60 seat Senate.

Bold, a little bit crazy, and best of all I have no money riding on this.

Oh, Boys?

2008-10-25T08:48:00.003-04:00

Police reacting to the, "poor little white girl beaten up by one of Obama's big, black bucks," story that much of the hard right gobbled up like candy:

"The backwards 'B' was the obvious thing to us when we first saw her. Something just didn't seem right," Assistant Chief Bryant said. "And, first of all, with our local robbers, they take the money [and flee]. They're in and out. They're not stopping to do artwork."

Additionally, said Lt. Kevin Kraus, investigators were struck "that it was a superficial, pristine 'B,' which seemed highly inconsistent with the story she reported that it was a violent attack, basically in which she was fighting for her life."

And yet, over at StubbornFacts, they are still defending a decision to instantly take down my skeptical comment.

Here's the comment in question, along with the lame explanation appended by an SF editor:

It's a hoax.

The scar was not made by a knife. And it's a mirror image. So either the robber was remarkably careful with his blade and dyslexic, or it's a hoax.

Update by Pat: Michael's post was originally removed because at the time he posted it, there was insufficient evidence to determine whether the young woman was lying or not. A comment to the effect that there were inconsistencies would have been fine. When it turned out to in fact be a hoax, I decided it was appropriate to show for the record that Michael accurately predicted what subsequently turned out to be the case... however unsupported by the evidence it was at the time he made the comment.

So by the standards of the inaptly-named "Stubborn Facts," there was sufficient evidence to allege that a political hate crime had been committed.

And there was sufficient evidence that the failure of the MSM to be fooled was itself evidence of media bias.

But there was insufficient evidence for me to question the story. Right. Even though I was correct. And even though my suspicions were precisely those of the police. And even some right-wing blogs. Uh huh.

I note that some of the less party-blind editors at SF are now trying to walk this debacle back.

Here's a suggestion: stop trying to convince people you were right all along, somehow, in some inexplicable way. Start by saying: we screwed up. We fell for a hoax. On the basis of that hoax we made various accusations and generalizations. When we were warned it was a hoax we refused even to consider the possibility and made sure no one else visiting our site could consider it, either. And now we're justifying our actions with specious logic.

One more genuine and heartfelt piece of advice: don't be McCains. He had integrity and threw it away. You all have intelligence and talent, so don't pervert your reason in the service of partisanship. You are better than this.

Yes: A Hoax

2008-10-24T13:53:00.002-04:00

So, remember the attack on the McCain volunteer by a very large black man who was infuriated by her McCain bumper sticker? The one where he carved a "B" into her face with a knife? The one I said was probably a hoax?

Turns out it was a hoax. Duh.

How easy was it to guess that this was a hoax? Michelle Malkin figured it out. That's how easy. Even some of her commenters -- as intellectually deficient a bunch of people as you'll find anywhere -- figured it out.

But StubbornFacts.us did not. When I posted a comment very early on that said this was almost certainly a hoax, the comment was instantly deleted.

But Simon at SF wasn't content to run with this Drudge-pimped hoax, he just had to use this transparent nonsense to attack the dreaded MSM:

See this story on CNN, anyone? No? How about in the New York Times... No? Well, to be fair, they're far too busy - there was a McCain rally somewhere and someone might have suggested Obama was palling around with terrorists, and there's stories about Sarah Palin's clothes to write... They're just swamped. Actually, that isn't fair; it's not that the media isn't interested in the story, the Obama campaign just haven't told them how they'd like it covered yet.

Or maybe they didn't cover it because it was obviously bullshit.

The real question is: why was my comment casting doubt on the story deleted in such a hurry? I understand Simon is pissed at me for being right about the scattershot and downright weird attacks on Obama, right that the GOP's all-negative/no positive attack would fail, right about the questionable morality of his spreading the idiotic Michelle Obama "whitey tape" smear, right about the dishonesty of Republican's phony outrage tactics, right that Sarah Palin would be a gift to Democrats and, well, just generally right.

I understand I'm irritating. What with being right all the time. And not terribly humble about it.

But if you're spreading a story, and learn that there are some pretty obvious doubts about that story, and hastily remove a perfectly mild comment that points out the F*CKING OBVIOUS . . . excuse me . . . that draws a reasonable inference from the visible evidence, what does that say?

Now, Simon says:

And: looks like it was a hoax. But two things to say: that doesn't vitiate the media's failure to cover it before (they will certainly do so now, because whereas before it might have reflected badly on Obama and will now be made to reflect badly on McCain), and I would maintain that the immediate chorus of doubt was an inappropriate reaction. What is incredible here is that someone would fake it, not the original story.

No, the fact that anyone with a pair of eyes and a functioning bullshit detector could guess that this was in fact, bullshit, does not mean the New York Times should not have splashed it all over page one. They should have reported a story they easily guessed was bullshit. They should have reported a story they strongly suspected to be false.

And that, ladies and gentlemen, would show that the MSM are reliable.

Tada! Brilliant!

Hoax?

2008-10-23T18:47:00.002-04:00

Bet you a buck it's a hoax. Does that "B" look like it was cut with a knife? And it's reversed -- like someone scratching it on while looking in a mirror. A careful, dyslexic robber?

If not I'm going to feel like a cynical bastard. But I think, "Nah." My intuition is that we have a woman punched by her boyfriend and looking for some drama. No: of course it's not a campaign ploy, I'm guessing a lone, disturbed woman.

The Best Blog You May Not Be Reading

2008-10-23T05:41:00.002-04:00

Is right here.

Start with this piece. It's passionate, witty, on-point and principled, which describes the whole blog. (Except for the sports posts. My position on sports is clear: I don't care who did what with the ball.)

If, and I hope when, the GOP sheds the looney religious right and refocuses on what I think are the party's core raisons d'etre: free people, free markets, strong defense, caution in foreign policy, a decent respect for tradition, and reverence for the constitution, they'll get my vote.

There remain two reasons I cannot abide the GOP: the dog-whistle racism, and the alliance between the party and religious bigots determined to enforce a two-tier citizenship in which we are all equal so long as we are conservative Christians. There is no tent big enough for me to fit in with them.

But real, actual conservatives? That would be a very different story.

Palin: The Gift That Keeps On Giving

2008-10-22T07:15:00.002-04:00

I'm starting to love Sarah Palin. She's really all the entertainment you need. Latest fun? The $150,000 shopping spree.

Since her selection as John McCain's running mate, the Republican National Committee spent more than $150,000 on clothing and make-up for Gov. Sarah Palin, her husband, and even her infant son, it was reported on Tuesday evening.

The champion of small town values, the foe of wasteful spending, the defender of Joes (Sixpack and The Plumber,) apparently did her shopping in those most budgest-conscious and pro-American of America-loving small town venues: Sachs and Neiman's.

For those of you not familiar with the two stores in question, a single sock costs what you spend on your monthly car payment. You want a whole pair of socks? Bring your Krugerrands.

Now, I'll tell you something: I'm fairly hard to shock on clothing expenses because I love my Zanella slacks and my Zegna suits and my Bruno Magli shoes. (None of which I actually wear, by the way. Mostly I wear Gap jeans and Eddie Bauer t-shirts. Can I get a little product placement money, here?) But even I don't know how to piss away 150 large on clothing.

A hundred and fifty thousand dollars? Seriously? Are you insane?

You know how much clothing you could buy at Wal-Mart for 150,000 bucks? All of it.

Republicans: They Aren't All Limbaugh (Updated)

2008-10-21T16:34:00.005-04:00

(UPDATE:
I have taken down the video because the goddamned thing starts playing as soon as the page loads which is annoying beyond belief. The link is here. If you haven't seen it, you should.)

Republicans are not all Palin, not all Limbaugh, not all Karl Rove. When we get done destroying the GOP in two weeks it will be good to see them come back better and stronger. For too long it's been like watching a friend with a drinking problem. You know he's the only one who can decide to fix himself. You know if he ever does he'll be formidable.

Seriously, watch it. It'll make you remember why Americans are still the coolest people on earth.

h/t stubbornfacts.us

Time For Patriotism From Superpatriots

2008-10-21T06:48:00.003-04:00

Ken Adelman, solid gold neo-con, lifelong Republican, somewhere to the right of Genghis Khan, is voting for Barack Obama:

When the economic crisis broke, I found John McCain bouncing all over the place. In those first few crisis days, he was impetuous, inconsistent, and imprudent; ending up just plain weird. Having worked with Ronald Reagan for seven years, and been with him in his critical three summits with Gorbachev, I’ve concluded that that’s no way a president can act under pressure.

Second is judgment. The most important decision John McCain made in his long campaign was deciding on a running mate.

That decision showed appalling lack of judgment. Not only is Sarah Palin not close to being acceptable in high office—I would not have hired her for even a mid-level post in the arms-control agency. But that selection contradicted McCain’s main two, and best two, themes for his campaign—Country First, and experience counts. Neither can he credibly claim, post-Palin pick.

So far we have Matthew Dowd, George Will, Christopher Hitchens, Kathleen Parker, David "she's a fatal cancer" Brooks, Peggy Noonan, Colin Powell and now Ken Adelman, (and I'm sure I'm forgetting a few,) all saying what I've said from the start, and what has been obvious from the start: Palin was a disastrous choice that laid bare John McCain's unsuitability for the White House.

The more dishonest Republicans want to keep pretending it's all some conspiracy by elitist Democrats. Democrats like Ken Adelman:

Ken Adelman is a lifelong conservative Republican. Campaigned for Goldwater, was hired by Rumsfeld at the Office of Economic Opportunity under Nixon, was assistant to Defense Secretary Rumsfeld under Ford, served as Reagan’s director of arms control, and joined the Defense Policy Board for Rumsfeld’s second go-round at the Pentagon, in 2001. Adelman’s friendship with Rumsfeld, Cheney, and their wives goes back to the sixties, and he introduced Cheney to Paul Wolfowitz at a Washington brunch the day Reagan was sworn in.

Only dishonesty, party loyalty and sheer denial are holding back the coming flood on Palin. For every Powell or Adelman willing to step up and tell the truth there are thousands who would rather play "let's pretend," or think party loyalty comes before patriotism, but who know, nevertheless, that this was a fatally bad decision by McCain.

The full truth of what people on the right believe about Palin won't come out until the election is done. And then you will read and hear a tidal wave of disgust from the GOP as they finally confess what we all know they know.

That will be a lot of fun for us all, but we'll remember those who put country first and told the truth, and those who cowered and dissembled and hid behind party loyalty until it was politically safe to speak up.

(all bolds mine.)

Dear Markos: You're Not A CIA Agent

2008-10-20T05:57:00.003-04:00

One of the great things for me about the coming election -- an election that I believe will leave the GOP flat on its ass and gasping for breath -- is that I will then have more opportunity to hammer Democrats. Until that holy work is done, until The Creature Who Ate John McCain is flushed down his own gutter to join the appalling Mr. Bush and all his appalling cronies, I feel I should mostly stick to beating on Republicans.

However. There's the DailyKos.

This one is going down to the wire, guys. And if you want to talk about crushing the GOP, eliminating their highest-ranking leader, and perhaps the only one left who can hold their coalition together, would be a stunner -- a true leadership decapitation.

No. Uh uh. Look, "Kos," I'm obviously as fond as anyone of dramatic, over-the-top language. But "eliminating their highest-ranking leader" and "decapitation?" These are terms that edge into military slash espionage language and imply killing. "Decapitation" is a term of art in the military for killing top members of an enemy regime. Killing.

If Republicans were using terms like that about Obama (and they are,) we'd all be screaming. It may be a fine line, and I've no doubt crossed it myself at some point, but that doesn't excuse using the language of assassination to talk about an American election. Smack 'em, screw 'em, fuck 'em up, kick their asses, whatever. But "eliminating" and "decapitating?" There's fun, and then there's creepy.

Okay, Maybe Just A Teensy Race Problem In The GOP.

2008-10-19T18:49:00.003-04:00

From the comments at Michelle Malkin, despite her attempt to warn her readers away from blaming the Powell endorsement on race:

Is this endorsement a surprise to anyone? Colin Powell was the first affirmative action poser child for every office he ever held. He is certainly in favor of the first affirmative action president.

“It’s not about race”
“I read Playboy for the articles”
“The check is in the mail”
“Really, I didn’t know that was your sister”
“You are pretty on the inside”

No I am sorry, it is all about race, and finally Powell came out of the race closet for all to see.

What an a**hole you are, Powell. Of course your decision is based soley on race.

Hmmm maybe but race is certainly a factor.

Have to disagree with you Michelle. If Obama were a white liberal I dont think you would have seen this. It may not have been the main reason that (newbie RINO) Powell made this endorsement, but I believe it is a big part of it.

Its funny becuase he was a house nigger for such a long time according to his race. maybe he’s trying to fit in now. He is a RINO, and I am not suprised to here this news. Plus ws he any good at what he did? History be the judge.

The ONLY reason Powell is voting for Obama is color… period. The fact that Obama is going to follow anti-white, liberation theology is just icing on the cake.
Most blacks hate whites… it is axiomatic, and the liberals are opening up the chicken coop and maybe the prisons and definately my wallet.

I haven’t had a chance to read all the comments so someone may have brought this up already, but I think Powell did this for 2 reasons: #1 its about race and #2 he has always been regarded as a “white” african-american just like Condi Rice. This is his chance to break out of that and be more “black”.

Looks like Powell is acting like a “typical” black man.
I expected nothing more from him.

His specialty was, frankly, using his race and being a yes-man to whoever held power of his promotion.

At this point he is simply jumping on the bandwagon to support a fellow African American and regain his popularity with the media. Is this racists? By every indicator, provided by the MSM, Yes it would be charged as definite racism provided BO was a Republican. However, BO is a Socialist, ergo a charge of racism is not allowed to be levied.

I now put Powell in the same category as Oprah and many other prominent blacks. Do not do what is good for your country, do what is good for your race.

I think that to suggest that Powell was the first “affirmative action” Join Chief of Staff of our armed forces is a valid one.

I dare say Colin Powell support for Obama is about race. Why else would he come right out and say it isn’t about race. That is, by definition, the underhanded delivery of “RAAAAACIST!!!”.
BTW: Does Harry Belafonte still think Colin Powell is a House N****R? Or is he now a House N***AH?

Frankly, I think Powell is doing this to save his own skin (the fact that its got as much melanin as Obama’s might not be good enough for the coming regime).

The Republican base is rascist? Colin Powell’s decision to vote for Obama is purely a rascist move. There is no other reason when 92+% of the Black population are voting for Obama.

Nope. No Racism In The GOP

2008-10-19T13:39:00.002-04:00

Rush Limbaugh reacts to Powell's endorsement of Obama in an email to Politico:

Rush Limbaugh said Colin Powell's decision to get behind Barack Obama appeared to be very much tied to Obama's status as the first African-American with a chance to become president.

"Secretary Powell says his endorsement is not about race," Limbaugh wrote in an email. "OK, fine. I am now researching his past endorsements to see if I can find all the inexperienced, very liberal, white candidates he has endorsed. I'll let you know what I come up with."

The only possible reason Colin Powell could have for endorsing Barack Obama is that they share a skin tone. Thanks, Rush. Thanks for being so wonderfully overt.

In fact, for those who didn't watch the clip, Powell said that he had heard senior figures in the GOP expressing anti-Muslim bigotry. But of course there is no bigotry in the GOP.

For the record, I think the percentage of racists in the GOP is very small. I think the same of the Democratic party. The difference is that the GOP profits -- knowingly, deliberately -- from its bigots. They hold political power because of the bigot vote in some areas, in some states. It was a choice they made with Nixon's southern strategy. They use the dog whistle racism of people like Limbaugh to wink and nod to the kind of people that decent Republicans would not have at their dinner table.

I look forward to watching the GOP take a beating in a couple of weeks. They need to be destroyed. But they need to be destroyed only so that they can be rebuilt.

We need a healthy Republican party. We need a Republican party that is about free people, free markets, skepticism about government, caution in foreign policy and a strong defense. What we don't need is a Republican party of religious intolerance, dog-whistle racism, homophobia and fiscal and foreign policy recklessness.

The job of the Republican party is to say, "Hey, hold up there a minute, Sparky, and let's think about this for a while." That doesn't make for entertaining talk radio, but one of the political parties has to play the stuffy grown up role, and God knows it won't be the Democrats.

Powell Endorses Muslim Terrorist

2008-10-19T11:31:00.002-04:00

Colin Powell, Vietnam war hero, army general, former National Security adviser to Ronald Reagan, former Chairman of the Joint Chiefs under George H.W. Bush, former Secretary of State to George W. Bush today endorsed a Muslim terrorist as President of the United States.

Time To Take Grandpa's Car Keys Away

2008-10-14T18:12:00.002-04:00

You know what I think about Sarah Palin? I think McCain knows, in his gut, that he put somebody unqualified on the ballot. He knows that in his gut, and when this race is over that is something he will have to live with... He put somebody unqualified on that ballot and he put the country at risk, he knows that.

Except, that's not just what I think. It's what Bush-Cheney strategist Matthew Dowd said today. So let me put it in quotes:

"[McCain] knows, in his gut, that he put somebody unqualified on the ballot. He knows that in his gut, and when this race is over that is something he will have to live with... He put somebody unqualified on that ballot and he put the country at risk, he knows that."

The choice of Palin is all you need to know when you step into the voting booth in a couple of weeks. Bill Ayers is a piece of shit and so is Jeremiah Wright. But Barack Obama isn't proposing to put either of them one 72 year-old heartbeat away from the nuclear codes.

It's John McCain who endangered the country he loves. And I don't know if it was sheer petulance on his part (my earlier guess) or Christopher Hitchens' guess, diminished mental ability:

Last week's so-called town-hall event showed Sen. John McCain to be someone suffering from an increasingly obvious and embarrassing deficit, both cognitive and physical. And the only public events that have so far featured his absurd choice of running mate have shown her to be a deceiving and unscrupulous woman utterly unversed in any of the needful political discourses but easily trained to utter preposterous lies and to appeal to the basest element of her audience. McCain occasionally remembers to stress matters like honor and to disown innuendoes and slanders, but this only makes him look both more senile and more cynical, since it cannot (can it?) be other than his wish and design that he has engaged a deputy who does the innuendoes and slanders for him.

Whatever is going on with McCain, it is increasingly clear that he should not be our president. Our hero, maybe, even now, but not our president.

Blood Libel

2008-10-12T04:07:00.002-04:00

Let's rerun this sweet little snippet from Krauthammer:

I have little doubt that some, if not many, cases of malfeasance will emerge. But what we conveniently neglect is the fact that much of this crisis was brought upon us by the good intentions of good people.

For decades, starting with Jimmy Carter's Community Reinvestment Act of 1977, there has been bipartisan agreement to use government power to expand homeownership to people who had been shut out for economic reasons or, sometimes, because of racial and ethnic discrimination. What could be a more worthy cause? But it led to tremendous pressure on Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac -- who in turn pressured banks and other lenders -- to extend mortgages to people who were borrowing over their heads. That's called subprime lending. It lies at the root of our current calamity.

The right wing has been at pains to prove that the economic meltdown is A) not the fault of the Republican president, the banks, the investment class, deregulation or the Fed, but is, rather, 2) the fault of poor black people.

From McClatchy:

Federal Reserve Board data show that:

_ More than 84 percent of the subprime mortgages in 2006 were issued by private lending institutions.

_ Private firms made nearly 83 percent of the subprime loans to low- and moderate-income borrowers that year.

_ Only one of the top 25 subprime lenders in 2006 was directly subject to the housing law that's being lambasted by conservative critics.

Trillions of dollars of suspect credit has been laid at the door of the working poor, and of course, working poor minorities. It's a lie. It's a Weimar-era lie. It's scapegoating the Jew er, the "minority."

It's a theme that seems to have started with Krauthammer, but has been eagerly embraced by the usual suspects. That people could convince themselves that a global economic meltdown involving tens of trillions of dollars could have been caused by working class mortgage holders -- and let's not ever forget the deliberate inclusion of the word "minority" in all these slanders -- points to the continued existence of racism as a living, malevolent force in American politics.

This modern blood libel is not only a lie, it is deliberate, knowing, and very dangerous lie. If we really are on the verge of a deep recession, or even a depression, it is vitally important to the right wing that some "other" become a designated scapegoat. They have pointed the finger at "minorities." That's not an accident.

It is equally vital that decent people, of all parties, not let that lie take hold.

Tried To Warn You

2008-10-10T05:23:00.004-04:00

Let the "I told you so's" begin.

Today Krauthammer makes the shocking discovery that Obama's not actually a terrorist or a racist loon.

Why are these associations important? Do I think Obama is as corrupt as Rezko? Or shares Wright's angry racism or Ayers' unreconstructed 1960s radicalism?

No. But that does not make these associations irrelevant. They tell us two important things about Obama.

First, his cynicism and ruthlessness. He found these men useful, and use them he did.

Rick Moran reaches roughly the same conclusion.

Obama’s friendship with Ayers, Rezko, Wright, Pfleger, Meeks, Khalidi, as well as his working with Richard Daley’s Chicago Machine was the result of his overweening ambition and not due to any ideological affinity or strain of corruption in his makeup. [snip] But frankly, Obama is someone who impresses me as having no real ideology save that which can get him elected.

In comments at Rightwingnuthouse back at the beginning of July I wrote:

Obama strikes me as just a bit ruthless. It’s one of the reasons I’ve supported him. He’ll do what he has to do to get re-elected and to ensure his place in history. [snip]

This is why you’re all failing to really hurt Obama. He’s not a naif. He’s not corrupt. He’s not a radical. He’s not weak. And accusing him of being a narcissist—really? A presidential candidate who thinks he’s just half a step short of being Jesus? What a shock that would be.

And in August:

Biden’s the right choice. And you’re still off-base trying to picture Obama as naive. This was not a naive choice. Obama is closer to being ruthless than naive.

I’ll tell you what: I’ll bet you a bottle of your favorite whatever ($70 max. value, so that leaves out the Macallan 55 year,) that a year from now, if Obama wins, you’ll agree with me on that characterization.

To which Rick replied:

Did you read his comments on China? Holy Christ what a naive idiot! China evicts 10,000 people to make way for a new runway, not paying them for their farmland and threatening them with violence unless they left – no recourse to a court nor appeal to a higher authority. And Obama thinks we should be more like China because they improved their airport so efficiently?

Either naive or a commie. Which is it?

ed.

Attacks on Obama have failed because they are not on target. An attack has to resonate with voters. It has to seem plausible. Attacks on Obama have been off-target and absurd, products of fantasy, paranoia and delusion. Not to mention a certain contempt for the electorate.

Obama was never Obambi, never a naif, never a radical, never a terrorist sympathizer, never weak, never passive, never any of the things his inept attackers claimed.

My concluding line from that first comment at Rightwingnuthouse:

He’s not Carter. He’s not Clinton. And he’s not JFK. He’s Bobby Kennedy.

A Laugh

2008-10-08T17:33:00.001-04:00

Just in case you'd like a little break from the gloom and doom: warning, explicit language.

Barack Jacques Obama

2008-10-05T14:55:00.005-04:00

In Carcassonne Frenchmen attack and attempt

to enlist me in their national health plan.

Noooooo! Not Fraaaaaance! Anything but that!

Rick Moran, (my favorite conservative blogger, and a guy actually afflicted by integrity, poor guy,) points to the deepest, darkest fear of all right-thinking conservatives:

In short, conservatives worst nightmare would be upon us; an ultra liberal president who can do anything he wants. And judging by what we know of Obama, he will attempt to remake America in the image of a European social democracy.

You know what we're talking about here. We all know what we're talking about here. We're talking . . . France. France!

That's right folks, Barack Hussein Josef Mahmoud Leon Adolf Vladimir Abbie Mikhail* Osama Obama, the world's most dangerous naif/corrupt pol/madrassa student/fuhrer/newbie/cult leader/Muslim elitist/Trotskyite imam/Nazi community organizer/Harvard Black Panther, a man who will eat arugala in the White House, a man married to an angry, angry black woman, with two angry, angry black daughters, and for all we know an angry, angry black Irish setter, the treasonous Irish/black/Indonesian/black/Hawaiian bastard, is conspiring to turn the US of A into . . . gasp . . . France.

I have to tell you, I was very recently in France. And I was lucky to escape with my life. Between the oysters, the crusty bread and the wine, I came very close to losing it. Folks, it was Mad Max up there. Two men enter, one man leaves. (Or one man, one woman and two kids enter and all leave.) France: Beyond Thunderdome. With profiteroles.

Croissantalypse now! Gauloiseaggeddon! Les Fin Temps! The number of the beast is not 666, it's 33.**

If this man . . . dare we call him a man, or is he truly the Anti-Christ and also the Anti-Moses and maybe even the Anti-Bernanke . . . has his way with us will we ever truly be the United States of America again? Once he unleashes his savage desires upon us, takes us fully and makes us his, oh my, ah do believe ah feel faint. Once we go black, my fellow Americans, will we ever go back?

I drove into France in an American car, by God. And by "American car," I mean a good old Toyota RAV 4. And I had me a North Carolina license plate on that sucker, but I didn't care who knew I was an American, I'm proud to be an American 'cause at least I know I'm free. Not like the enslaved Frenchmen who shuffle to and from their jobs as snotty waiters, wearing chains. (Which may explain the slow service in sidewalk cafes.)

And drivin' 'round Fuh-rance, ya know what I found? Excellent highways with high tolls. I mean, good lord, these were some beautiful highways. Freakin' perfect. And why? Because we saved their asses in World War 2, that's why.

All that we hold dear -- a wide array of salad dressings, the right to be uninsured, right turn on red -- is in jeopardy now as we face a future with a president who is either a 60's radical, or a member of Al Qaeda, but is sure as hell a black dude.

And probably French to boot.

*Bakunin, not Baryshnikov, Jesus, people, keep up. Mikhail Bakunin Russian anarchist.
** The telephone country code for France. Okay, obscure, I admit it.

End Game Begins

2008-10-03T08:25:00.002-04:00

According to my always shaky grasp of higher math we have 30 days left until election day. Give or take.

Can John McCain still somehow win this thing? Yes. Maybe. In theory. But it would be tough. RealClearPolitics.com has Obama with 260 electoral votes. 9 more throws it to the House. 10 more is win for Obama.

If those numbers are accurate, Obama can win with just Ohio. Or just Florida. Or just Indiana, just Missouri, just Virginia or just North Carolina. Or he can win with Colorado and New Hampshire. Or Colorado and Nevada. So many ways to win. He could hold onto what he has, move out of every other battleground state and throw all his resources into just, say, Virginia, and he'd win.

RCP has McCain at 163. He pretty much has to run the table.

If you were playing poker you'd want to be holding Obama's cards. He's got three jacks. McCain has a pair of twos. Obama has so many ways to win, and McCain has so many ways to lose.

McCain has almost no choice now but to go even deeper into the gutter. He has to try and do to Obama what George W. Bush did to McCain in 2000. McCain 1.0 wouldn't have gone there. But McCain 2.0 -- The Creature That Ate John McCain -- will go for it.

The next 30 days will likely be unpleasant. But it will be hard to change the math. We've already seen so much Republican mud that I suspect the voters are inured to it. And McCain faces the dilemma of the next debate. Having hurt himself by coming across in the first debate as angry and contemptuous, he either has to stay the angry course, or try and convince the voters he finally took his prunes and come off as less hostile.

Here's the problem: a nasty debate McCain would mesh with a mudslide attack but reinforce the voter's sense that he's maybe too much of a dick to spend four years with. While a nice-guy debate McCain would seem hypocritical if he's simultaneously running Rove-style ads.

Tough to square that circle. My prediction is that we get an air-war mudslide from McCain and his 527's on the one hand, and the terse gritting-my-teeth-trying-to-be-civil McCain at the debate. I don't think that's going to work. I think it will come off as phony and desperate.

McCain will attack, Obama will respond but in more measured tones. McCain will try one more desperate gamble, if he can come up with one. But I sense that the country, while it has not decided to vote for Obama, has decided not to vote for McCain.

A Little Help Here?

2008-10-01T07:02:00.002-04:00

Can someone tell me what it is that Republicans believe? Because I'm confused.

Please, someone explain the ideological unity that binds the Republican president, the Republican candidate for president, the House Republican leadership and the Republican House members.

What is the principle there? What is a Republican?

Anyone? And please frame your answer in such a way that it makes sense of Bush, Paulson, McCain, Palin, Boehner and the GOP backbenchers.

And if you can't do that, Republicans, just why do you think it is so vitally important for your party to win?

Wood Shed Time

2008-09-30T17:09:00.002-04:00

I can name all kinds of reasons I dislike Democrats, ideologically and culturally.

I can't stand it when people assume that disagreement must necessarily come from stupidity or a lack of education.

I don't like wimps.

I have no tolerance for tolerance that is given only to designated minorities but denied to others.

I don't like people who wear hair shirts.

I think language helps to bind the country, and our language is English. I believe in assimilation, a melting pot, not a tapestry. I believe we have a right to control our borders.

I do have a problem with late term abortion.

I don't have much faith in government, don't think it is the only answer. My sphincter tightens when I hear the words "government program."

I believe we have a right to preemptive defense in certain circumstances. I believe in targeted assassination of terrorists and to hell with borders. I believe in a strong defense. I believe in American exceptionalism.

I cannot stand smug eco-scolds. Can't stand aggressive vegetarians. I despise PETA, NARAL and MoveOn.

I am self-employed, hardworking and ambitious. I like money. I'd like to keep more of it.

In so many ways, I should be a Republican.

I wrote a post a while back describing the three segments of the Republican Party. Money, Bombs and Jesus. I can understand the Money Republicans. I think they need someone keeping an eye on them, like they were a bunch of trouble-prone, pre-moral eight year-olds, but I get them.

I get along fine with the Bombs Republicans. I like flying missiles into Al Qaeda caves at least as much as the average Republican. Make sure that our fighters can always shoot down their fighters? Hell yeah.

There is a complete disconnect between me and the Jesus Republicans probably because I don't believe in Jesus. And because they spend most of their political energy trying to outlaw abortion and humiliate gays. I feel a bit bad calling them Jesus Republicans because I don't think they have much at all in common with the reputed historical Jesus, the Jesus of the Bible who bathed the feet of whores and said, "Judge not . . ." But I guess Jesus, if he's real, can take care of himself.

I have voted GOP in the past and can imagine doing it again. But not until they have been sent into the wilderness to suffer and contemplate and be cleansed of their sins.

I don't mean because of the war. Or the economy. I mean because of Atwater and Rove and Newt Gingrich. I mean the politics of personal destruction. The incivility, ruthlessness, relentlessness and utter lack of moral standards that have come to define the GOP.

The GOP, post-Reagan in particular, has become the party of slash and burn, slander and lie. They stopped playing politics some years back and now play a mean, spiteful, cynical, and ultimately un-american game.

The catalyzing event for me? The attempt to remove Bill Clinton from office. That was when I started making contributions to Democratic candidates. I remember it very clearly. They wanted to use the politics of personal destruction to undo the clear will of the people? Fine: that's when I start writing checks.

I can easily see a day when I'll vote Republican again. But not soon. And not without some time in the woodshed. The GOP needs to go away, think about what it has done, and come back when it is prepared to behave itself. Then I'd like to her what they have to say.

Witch Old Witch?

2008-09-29T05:22:00.001-04:00

You can laugh all you want, but Sarah Palin has been witch-free ever since.

Guess The Gambit

2008-09-28T14:04:00.002-04:00

So far in John McCain's WTF campaign we've had:

1) Attack the media which McCain used to refer to as his "base!"

2) Cancel the convention!

3) Run ads so dishonest even Karl Rove was going, "Dude, whoa!"

4) Pick an ignoramus as Vice President!

5) Lipstick hysteria!

6) Pretend to suspend the campaign!

7) Parachute in and blow up the all-but-finalized bail-out deal!

8) Rush off to a debate you said you wouldn't attend unless there was a deal on the bailout which there wasn't probably because you demagogued the thing and then go to the debate anyway and act like an asshole by refusing to be civil to your opponent!

Surprisingly . . . surprisingly, I say . . . McCain's poll numbers are still slipping. It seems McCain's, "Fuck the country, I wanna be president," campaign style has not impressed the voters.

Hmmm.

So, what crazy-ass gambit will the creature who has eaten John McCain come up with next?

As always, I'm here to help. So my suggestions, in no particular order:

1) Trade his suits for a stars-and-stripes leotard and when Obama refuses to do the same, accuse him of hating America.

2) Replace Sarah Palin with the Chocolate Rain guy and take credit for first African-American Veep candidate.

3) Accuse Michelle Obama of selling oxycodone to Cindy.

4) Break into National Archive, sign his own name to Declaration of Independence and pretend it was there all along. (Leak plan to conservative blogs so they can denounce John Hancock as a lying liberal.)

5) Replace Chocolate Rain guy with Leave Britney Alone guy/girl and claim credit for first cross-dressing Veep candidate.

6) Suspend breathing unless Obama legally changes name to Osama.

7) Replace Leave Britney Alone guy/girl with Dramatic Hamster. Claim credit for picking Veep candidate at least twice as convincing as Sarah Palin.

Government Screws Me

2008-09-26T08:27:00.002-04:00

This sucks. The federal government seized WaMu. Which is great!

Then they handed it off to JP Morgan. What the hell is that about?

I have a mortgage with WaMu on the house I can't sell in Chapel Hill. Had the federal government simply seized WaMu and held onto it, then, basically, as a taxpayer, I'd have owed my mortgage payment to myself.

I would have been fine with that. I could have written myself a check each month and then deposited it right back into the account. Now I suppose those people at JP Morgan will expect me to pay them.

Thanks federal government. Thanks a lot.

Krauthammer: Blame the Negroes

2008-09-26T06:25:00.002-04:00

Who is to blame for the financial disaster that threatens the unthinkable? A Democrat in the White House?

Turns out, it's not Wall Street. And it's not the anti-regulation GOP. And it's not the Republican president who's been in power for 8 years.

You'll never guess who is really to blame. Turns out: it's the Negroes.

I have little doubt that some, if not many, cases of malfeasance will emerge. But what we conveniently neglect is the fact that much of this crisis was brought upon us by the good intentions of good people.

For decades, starting with Jimmy Carter's Community Reinvestment Act of 1977, there has been bipartisan agreement to use government power to expand homeownership to people who had been shut out for economic reasons or, sometimes, because of racial and ethnic discrimination. What could be a more worthy cause? But it led to tremendous pressure on Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac -- who in turn pressured banks and other lenders -- to extend mortgages to people who were borrowing over their heads. That's called subprime lending. It lies at the root of our current calamity.

It's confusing because usually in situations like this when the rich, powerful white people fuck something up and need a scapegoat it's the Jews who turn out to be responsible.

I mean, what's up with that? What, are Jews no longer capable of manipulating the world? Why am I even bothering to attend the secret weekly meeting? Suddenly African-Americans are in charge of the vast worldwide conspiracy?

Anyway, I guess we shouldn't be surprised. There's almost nothing that Negroes and Liberals aren't to blame for. There's no conceivable way Wall Street billionaires, the ruling party and the President of the United States could be held responsible. Clearly. I mean, you really have to be crazy not to see that the fault lies with working class black people trying to buy homes.

I'm just saying: I think there have got to be some Jews in there somewhere. I'm feeling just a bit dissed, quite frankly.

Once again I will repeat: there is literally no bottom to the GOP barrel.

Not Inexperienced: Stupid.

2008-09-25T15:54:00.003-04:00

She's an ignoramus. That much we know. But now we can add the fact that she's evidently un-teachable.

COURIC: You've cited Alaska's proximity to Russia as part of your foreign policy experience. What did you mean by that?

PALIN: That Alaska has a very narrow maritime border between a foreign country, Russia, and on our other side, the land-- boundary that we have with-- Canada. It-- it's funny that a comment like that was-- kind of made to-- cari-- I don't know, you know? Reporters--

COURIC: Mock?

PALIN: Yeah, mocked, I guess that's the word, yeah.

COURIC: Explain to me why that enhances your foreign policy credentials.

PALIN: Well, it certainly does because our-- our next door neighbors are foreign countries. They're in the state that I am the executive of. And there in Russia--

COURIC: Have you ever been involved with any negotiations, for example, with the Russians?

PALIN: We have trade missions back and forth. We-- we do-- it's very important when you consider even national security issues with Russia as Putin rears his head and comes into the air space of the United States of America, where-- where do they go? It's Alaska. It's just right over the border. It is-- from Alaska that we send those out to make sure that an eye is being kept on this very powerful nation, Russia, because they are right there. They are right next to-- to our state.

You know the McCain handlers must have been all over the governor trying desperately to bring her up to speed. They've had weeks. This is where she is? This is her grade level? This is Beavis and Butthead trying to fake their way through foreign policy 101.

Would you people ever, for a moment, tolerate this level of abject ignorance from me? From anyone you read? This bimbo wants to be one 72 year-old heartbeat away from the White House? Are you kidding me? I could smack this nitwit around for hours on foreign policy. And I'm a kid's book writer. I write about 14 year-olds with superpowers, for God's sake. I'm a high school drop-out. And not only do I know more than this woman does, I can assimilate information far faster. Give me a few weeks with McCain's brain trust and I could throw down with Kissinger.

Does that not frighten you? You want a president dumber than me?

This isn't about "experience." She's a nincompoop. She's a nitwit. She's incapable of faking her way through basic questions. Oh My God: she's an idiot.

Ladies and Gentlemen: Sarah Palin

2008-09-25T04:41:00.001-04:00

Sarah Palin's interview with Katie Couric.

The Downside of Sobriety

2008-09-24T18:12:00.006-04:00

Record surpluses become record deficits.

Iraq war botched.

New Orleans drowns.

Afghanistan war botched.

The US joins list of nations that practice torture.

Our Pakistani "ally" is tossed out.

The Russians slap Georgia around.

North Korea pops a bomb and then weasels.

The economy melts down.

Osama still lives.

Just think of how much better off the world might be if George W. Bush had just kept drinking.

Keeping The Flame

2008-09-20T17:48:00.003-04:00

I'm in Saint Lo. Some of you know what that means, some don't. I'm in Normandy. In a shitty hotel, sharing a room with my son. He's 11. Wife and daughter down the hall.

Today we went to Mont Saint Michel. Tomorrow, Omaha Beach.

So to prepare, to "home school," I watch The Longest Day with The Boy -- with occasional pedantic interjections from Dad. The Boy gets the outlines. He gets none of the emotion. He's very smart but he doesn't get it. I guess I wouldn't have, either, when I was 11.

And do I get it? I don't understand what it meant to the men who are buried at the cemetery we'll visit tomorrow. I don't understand what it was like to be on that beach. But I have some notion of what it means in macrocosm.

I'm an American. Also, ethnically at least, a Jew. I know what they did for me, all those guys buried beneath those marble crosses and stars of David.

My Jewish-American son and Chinese-American daughter want to know if they can go in the water, get their feet wet on Omaha Beach. That's their primary concern, despite my best efforts to ram history down their throats.

So, I wonder. Is that a good thing or bad? Should a kid know the price that was paid? Or should they be free to be, as kids usually are, oblivious. And focused, in kid-like way, on their own Very Important Agenda?

Did those men buried beneath those crosses and stars die so my kids could understand their sacrifice? Or so that they could focus on whether Mom and Dad would let them splash in the water that was stained with brave men's blood?

This place weighs on me. I live because they died. And my kids? Well, they're kids.

Revealing Blunders

2008-09-18T15:13:00.006-04:00

John McCain is dead. Murdered by the McCain campaign. That much is obvious. The question is: motive.

I have an intuition about one of the three candidates, Hillary, Obama and McCain. It's something that I think will become increasingly clear over time. But I'm torn between my egotistical desire to be able to say, "See? I told you so," on the one hand, and my reluctance to say something cruel and quite possibly wrong.

So, here's my solution. I'm emailing it to Annie Gottlieb. If I'm right, I get my "toldja so." If I'm wrong -- and one of you reminds me -- I'll 'fess up.

I posted that six months ago. I try not wallow in the trough with all the other little partisan piggies. It's fairly easy because I don't really care if I get a lot of readers. I'm so far below the radar as a blogger that I can be a pro-Obama Democrat and still admit that he's just a politician, and that we can expect him to lie. And I can say that Democrats are wrong about the Iraq war, and too stupid to realize how screwed up the Afghanistan war is. I don't need to be a complete partisan hack because I'm not looking for a gig in talk radio.

As a rule -- and I'm sure I've broken it somewhere along the line -- I try to avoid the muddy end of politics. I supported Obama because I thought he was somewhat less likely to crawl though the gutter. McCain has now demonstrated conclusively that I was right about that: Obama would have to work overtime to get lower than McCain has sunk.

But it's that very fact, the destruction of John McCain by his own campaign, that makes me think I was right in the above post. Because what I wrote to Annie six months ago was that John McCain seemed to me to be showing signs of intellectual impairment.

I didn't post on it because John McCain was one of my heroes. And because he deserved better than having people float nasty rumors about him.

A month ago, this piece appeared in NY Mag:

What might be happening in McCain’s head? Gerontologists and retirement planners have learned that aging brains compensate for cognitive decline by relying on templates of familiar knowledge more than problem solving. That’s usually a good thing, but neuroscientists have also found that memory loss can lead people to substitute incorrect information. This phenomenon, called confabulation, rather than being random, often takes the form of untrue “facts” that make them feel better — giving them what scientists have called “the pleasantness of false beliefs.” So are McCain’s stumbles simply misstatements, or evidence of a mind filling in blanks with wish fulfillment? Well, we really have no idea. But neither does McCain: His aides told reporters in May that he has had no mental evaluations in the past eight years.

I thought that was pretty likely accurate. But I still didn't write about it.

And then Rick Moran wrote this:

As inspiring as a bar of cream cheese, as interesting as a broken clock, John McCain at any age would prove to be bad presidential candidate. At age 72, he is making his own case that he should have been put out to pasture years ago. Even if you don’t believe McCain is too old to serve, there is a growing perception that he is and it is this that may very well doom his candidacy.

In Rick's comments I wrote this:

First, I admire the hell out of McCain. He’s everything I’d want my son to grow up to be. (He has a few characteristics I might skip, but who doesn’t?) He’s brave. He has integrity. He knows the meaning of sacrifice. Even when I disagree with him I believe he’s trying his best for his country. I owe my freedom to guys like McCain. He’s also, incidentally, witty and entertaining.

A few months ago (after the Lieberman/Correction episode) I emailed a blogger friend with my concern that McCain was suffering the early stages of cognitive impairment. I didn’t blog about it because it’s not the kind of thing one suggests lightly. But then he always seemed to perform very well in venues like The Daily Show that call for quick wit, so I stopped worrying.

This last week or so has brought back that concern. The CBS thing was weird. The Czechoslovakia thing too. Some other little things. There’s something a little off about the way Lieberman and Graham seem to Mother-hen McCain. And there’s the disarray of his campaign, which does not show a strong, sure hand at the top.

But I kind of hate to see you blogging about it now because that may mean there’s really something to it.

I hope Obama wins. But I would hate like hell to see big John go out that way.

But I still didn't blog about it.

Now comes this odd episode of the Spanish Misunderstanding. I'll quote Moran again:

Any fair minded person listening to that broadcast would agree with me. John McCain couldn’t understand the interviewer. But it was stupid of him to have his campaign go out and pretend that he understood perfectly. No one believes him and it only makes it appear that he did suffer some kind of brain cramp.

Except that's not quite all there is to it. McCain's campaign dealt with this, so it isn't just a question of McCains pride as Rick would have it. His campaign looked at this minor flub and decided to pretend that McCain had understood the interviewer perfectly well and thus had intentionally refused a hypothetical meeting with the head of a NATO ally.

The campaign would rather say something self-evidently stupid and dishonest than risk the candidate seeming confused.

Why?

It adds to a long list of "why's?" Why the silly stunt-pick of Sarah Palin? Why attack the press that has always adored McCain? Why no serious policy proposals? Why the strange flip flops? Why wallow in the gutter? Why lie? And why lie so desperately? Why destroy the McCain "brand?"

Why has the McCain campaign murdered John McCain?

Because John McCain isn't running his campaign. I suspect, now more strongly than before, that John McCain is suffering from some impairment. I don't think it's dementia. I thought confabulation seemed about right. He's old, and the edge is blunted. And I think his campaign staff knows it.

This Spanish thing . . . so minor. A big nothing. All McCain had to do was say, "Oops, I was having trouble understanding the interviewer." As Moran points out. So why say something utterly stupid to cover up something utterly minor?

When the answer given is Yes, McCain intentionally said he would not meet with the Prime Minister of Spain, when that's your cover story, you aren't just covering up a flub. You're covering something big. It's undersatandable that the McCain camp fears the suggestion that the candidate is too old for the job. But why does it scare them to the point where they panic and build a molehill into a mountain?

Because they know it's true. Because they know that narrative will gather strength over time.

So. Why did John McCain's campaign murder John McCain? Because it's no longer the McCain campaign. I don't know who is driving the bus formerly known as the Straight Talk Express, but it isn't McCain. The person running things now is a tactician, not a strategist. He or she is panicked, unsure what to do next, rushing around putting out fires. And very scared.

Not Just Dishonest: Stupid

2008-09-13T15:13:00.002-04:00

The high Republican dudgeon over Obama's ad hitting McCain on computers is, as mentioned below, proof that Republicans will say literally anything in pursuit of partisan advantage. Anything. No matter how stupid. No matter how ludicrous. They will -- and I mean this literally -- defend a flat-earther if they think it means winning a news cycle. They are utterly untroubled by concepts of credibility, honesty, fairness . . .

But what makes this all extra fun for me is the realization that they don't even know they've just been played. Obama just took page one from the Rove playbook and worked it.

Ask yourself two questions as we come to the end of this news cycle: 1) Are we still talking about Palin? 2) What's the voter's take-away from all this?

Answer #1, no, we're not talking about Palin, we're talking about McCain.

And answer #2, the voter take-away is "McCain is so old he doesn't know what the internet is."

Both answers courtesy of the GOP Phony Outrage Machine. (GOP-POM.)

Kids: you don't do the whole hysterical rending of garments and public weeping act when it serves to magnify your opponent's message. You do the phony outrage thing to distract from your opponent's message. (And your own complete lack of a message.)

I'll tell you what I think. I think it's probably true that McCain is largely computer illiterate. The POW excuse is pure, Grade A bullshit. I suspect basically we have here an old guy who's been rich and powerful for a long time and no more worries about his computer than he does his vacuum cleaner.

Not just old and out of touch. Rich, powerful, old and out of touch. Thanks to the GOP-POM, everyone got that.

Are You F***ing Kidding Me?

2008-09-13T06:16:00.005-04:00

Todd Craighead started life with one hand behind his back – literally. Arthrogryposis, a condition resulting from restricted movement in the womb, had stiffened his joints and left him with poorly developed muscles and bones. Weighing a mite four pounds, his feet were deformed, hands cupped, his right hip was out of socket and right arm was twisted back up behind his head.

My premise has been that there is literally no bottom to the GOP barrel. And now, ladies and gentlemen, hot on the heels of the last week's nauseating displays, we have what may be the ultimate proof of the moral vacuity and intellectual dishonesty that characterize the brain dead former party of ideas.

Once again, I link to the jaw-dropping apologists at Stubborn Facts. Here's the backstory: Obama runs a (badly produced) ad alleging that McCain is out of touch and cannot even use a computer.

The reaction? You will honestly not believe it. John McCain can't use a computer because . . . wait for it . . . he was a POW. He can't type because he was a POW, and because he can't type he can't use a computer.

McCain can't use a computer because he can't type? I can't type, geniuses. I've written 150 books with two fingers. 40,000 pages with two fingers. Are you people high? Are you drunk? McCain can't use a computer because he can't type? My son was using a computer when he was four and couldn't handle a pair of scissors. He couldn't reliably get a spoon into his mouth but he could use a computer. Are you out of your sad little say-anything-to-win minds?

here's me typing with one finger. Here's me typing with my big toe and a piece of stale Italian bread.

Lemme ask you something, boys: can McCain use a phone? Because I'm betting he can. And you know what? If he can punch a teeny, tiny little telephone button, I'm betting he can punch a keyboard key or hold a mouse.

These guys seem to manage:

John McCain: Scumbag Politician

2008-09-10T12:40:00.001-04:00

I'm not going to even try linking to the many times I've lauded John McCain as a man. I'm not someone who has many heroes. But McCain was one of mine.

Past tense.

No one can or should diminish what McCain suffered for this country. He was brave. He was strong. He wore the uniform and served with distinction.

But I guess all that was a long time ago. Because now John McCain is just another two-bit politician willing to crawl through the gutter to achieve his goal. The man whose 2000 presidential bid was destroyed by racist slander is now reduced to lying about his opponent. And not just lying. Smearing. Just the way he was smeared, with a sleazy, despicable ad that does everything but call Barack Obama a child molester.

Watch the ad. Wait for the money shot. Know where it is? The one of Obama gazing down, as if leering at a child.

There are no accidents in political ads. That was a deliberate choice. The shot was chosen to make it seem Obama is leering at a child while the copy lies blatantly about Obama's record on sex education. While the VO talks bout Obama wanting to teach children about sex before they learn to read.

John McCain. From hero, to victim of political smears, to perpetrator of political smears.

John McCain. Maverick? No. Just another scumbag politician.

It's The Loyalty, Stupid.

2008-09-10T08:45:00.004-04:00

This is absolutely priceless.

Answering the question: Is there anything a Republican can't rationalize in pursuit of partisan advantage?

As noted above, to function effectively, a chief executive must work through and therefore be able to trust and rely on her subordinates. After Palin was elected mayor, she inherited the previous administration's staff and department heads; she may have wanted, reasonably enough, to establish that she was in charge and that the department heads would follow her administration's policy. She may have wanted to know, that is, if they were loyal. She may have asked them questions probing whether this was so. The now-famous "rhetorical question" (famous in the sense that it was asked, but no one seems to recall exactly what the question was) she asked Emmons, the library chief, perhaps went something like this: "I need to know that you're going to implement the decisions that I've made, even if you don't agree with them. Suppose I asked you to do something just unthinkable - suppose I asked you to get rid of all the Harry Potter books, for example. Would you be willing to do it?" Emmons evidently said that she'd rather quit (although it obviously doesn't follow from that preference that she was fired because she wouldn't ban certain books).

If that's a fair reconstruction, then the incident may have been (to borrow one of Justice O'Connor's preferred pejoratives) unattractive, but it becomes understandable and it certainly wasn't "seeking to ban books." We have a situation with a new mayor of a fast-growing frontier town getting a feel for office. No books were banned, and there's no direct evidence that Palin ever intended to ban them. We already know that the left either doesn't understand the concept of a rhetorical context or they think Palin doesn't. At very least, while this isn't by any means the sort of debunking we've offered before, it posits theory of events fits the facts adduced thusfar, and doesn't superimpose extraordinary motivations onto the actors as the more outlandish claims do. All this should make us highly skeptical of the critics' claims.

So, you see, it's okay that Palin asked the librarian whether she would theoretically allow the mayor to censor books. Because it was just a loyalty test.

So, um, police chief, if I . . . purely theoretically . . . asked whether you'd round up all the Jews if I asked you, would you be able to do that for me?

No?

Then I'm sorry, I'm going to have to let you go for disloyalty.