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My Crystal Ball

Predictions . . . predictions . . . predictions . . .

1) Someone will win the election. They will turn out to be a huge disappointment.

2) We'll miss out on peace between Israel and the Palestinians. Damn! So close.

3) Some politician who hasn't watched a TV show since The Beverly Hillbillies or a movie since Red River will condemn the state of the media.

4) A conservative family values Republican will be caught blowing some guy. The rest will not be caught.

5) Iraq will not become a middle-eastern Vermont. It may however become a middle-eastern Louisiana, cementing Arab rejection of democracy.

6) Some much-admired sports figure will . . . oh, who gives a shit?

7) Pakistan will continue to be fucked up not only beyond all recognition, (FUBAR,) but fucked up beyond your wildest imagination. (FUBYWI.)

8) Castro will finally die. The giant Pez dispenser of irritating Spanish-speaking windbags will push Hugo Chavez up to replace him.

9) Celebrity ho's will tire of flashing their private parts to the paparazzi and begin to carry out human sacrifices on the hoods of their limos. Okay! magazine will outbid People for rights to pictures of Paris Hilton gutting and skinning a wino.

10) Canada will do something that not even Canadians will care about. Probably involving their cute little pretend government.

11) Global warming will melt Hillary Clinton.

12) In food news, studies will show that anything that doesn't taste like a sweaty guy's taint is carcinogenic.

13) Chinese manufacturers will be caught filling Peking dumplings with carpet tacks. US government regulators explain, "Hey, whaddya gonna do?"

14) Ann Coulter will be killed in a tragic bikini waxing incident.

15) The FBI, acting on an anonymous tip, will dig up Lou Dobbs' yard and find the decomposed bodies of forty-one Mexicans.

Next year we'll revisit these predictions and see how many I've gotten right! (Come on #14!)

“My Crystal Ball”

  1. Blogger Randy Says:

    Re #5: I disagree. Achieving Louisiana status would be such an impressive achievement that all the rest would be inspired.

  2. Blogger Michael Reynolds Says:

    I don't know, man. New Jersey, maybe. But Louisiana?