I had to fill out an author questionnaire from my publisher's marketing department. It's ten pages long. But ninety percent of it's just one question over and over again: do you know anyone important?

Do you happen to know Oprah? No? Okay, um, how about J.K. Rowling? Not her either, eh? Diane Rehm at least? Come on, man, Opie? Anthony? Someone? Anyone?

Let's put it this way: you're saying you don't know anyone? What are you, a fucking hermit?

Frankly I was surprised by that kind of language from a kid's book publisher.

The rest of the questions had to do with author touring. They've promised/threatened a ten city tour. I've enthusiastically endorsed this idea because I believe it's important to be enthusiastic about things you dread like you dread a stiletto in the eyeball.

Here's the thing: if the series is a hit then a year after the launch it'll be fun to do the touring thing. Then there will be fans. But touring during the launch means no one will have read the book, there will be no fans. We're looking at rows of empty folding chairs as I deliver my speech to two winos and a little old lady who thinks I'm Elmore Leonard gone to seed. In some downtown Barnes and Noble in Cleveland. Flop sweat and pitying looks from clerks who worship obscure hipster novelists and think I'm a hack. Then it's back to the Ramada out by the airport where I wipe out the minibar and order the filet because, after all, how much can room service screw up a filet?

So, you're saying you know no one? No one at all?

This entry was posted by Michael Reynolds, on Tuesday, May 15, 2007. You can leave your response.