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Jihad Care

People who know me know one thing about me: I strive above all else to be helpful. And it is in that spirit that I put forward a proposal I'm calling: Jihad Care.

Our country is plagued by two seemingly disconnected problems: high medical expenses, and guys blowing themselves up for Allah. It's said that genius is the ability to see a connection where none has been perceived before. I hesitate to claim the mantle of genius but . . . well, you be the judge.

A big part of the problem of high medical expenses involves extending expensive care to people who won't be getting the bills. If you see what I'm saying. People whose mail will soon be forwarded to "executor." Goners. Toastitos. Purchasers of farms. The pre-dead, as I believe they're known in medical circles.

We can't just suddenly increase their pain medication in a way that would provide blessed, permanent relief because that, well, that would be immoral. And coincidentally, injurious to the medical establishment's bottom line.

The problem of guys blowing themselves up for Allah seems equally intractable. Until you look closely at their motivation. What is it they really want? What is it that they need? Stop! I'm not asking what their politically ambitious leaders want, but what the individual martyr needs from the act of auto-immolation.

I think we know the answer: tail. It's all about the virgins. It's all about the fascinating if Porky's-two-ish doctrine of a vast celestial Hooters where every waitress is a virgin and they're all yours for the asking.

The Osamas and Zawahiris tell these confused young men that in order to reach the great Mustang-Ranch-In-The-Sky they have to carry out spectacular acts of destruction. But this is false. The only legal requirement for expedited entry into the prophet's hospitality suite is that in the act of blowing themselves up, they take out a crusader or two.

Do you begin to see where I'm going?

On the one hand large numbers of terminal patients who would, with very few exceptions, welcome a quick, painless exit. Particularly if it meant serving their country. And on the other hand, large numbers of horny, delusional religious fanatics with a crazy-person grasp of Muslim theology.

People, it's a simple matter of matching up one from colum 'A' and one from column 'B.'

We'd slash medical expenses. And because we'd know where and when to expect the jihadis, we'd slash security expenses. There would be an initial investment in regional explodatoriums, but that would be small change compared to the savings.

There. My work is done. I'll let you know where to mail my Nobel.

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“Jihad Care”

  1. Blogger Tully Says:

    LMAO. You're going to burn in atheist hell* for that! Don't worry, you'll be in good company. I'll bring a six-pack or a billion.

    (*--hich features non-stop 700 Club and PTL closed-circuit 24/7.)

  2. Blogger Michael Reynolds Says:

    So, you're not interested in investing in my chain of explodatoriums?

  3. Blogger Tully Says:

    I think you have some problems with your business plan. Namely that there's a serious mismatch in the supply/demand numbers--the universe of confused and moronic young jihadis may seem large, but it's dwarfed by the terminal patient population at any given time. At one-to-one you'd have trouble maintaining profitable production throughput.

    But that's easily solved with product differentiation and tiering. After all, you can charge the wealthier fanatics extra, even LOTS extra, for higher jihadi-to-patient ratio events. After all, it's not as if you can expect any repeat business, so grabbing every last shekel from the transaction is paramount.

  4. Blogger Michael Reynolds Says:

    I like your thought process. (Disturbed.) I'd add two more points: One, I think we can push for a federal subsidy. And two, we haven't even looked at the carbon offsets.

  5. Blogger PatHMV Says:

    Michael, did you just get through watching Death Race 2000 or something? ;-)

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