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I Got Rid of the Toupe Because of 9/11.

If other candidates throughout history had run like Giuliani:

Ladies and Gentlemen, thank you for inviting me to speak to you today. Hey, it's chilly in here today, isn't it? Almost as chilly as it was at Valley Forge. As you know, I'm running for President (wait for applause) in this, the first ever post-Valley Forge, national election in our new country's history. Today is the anniversary of Valley Forge. Well, not exactly, but close. As close as two tents in Valley Forge. And let me tell you: the tents in Valley Forge were pitched close together.

I think we all remember that fateful time that we now refer to simply as, Valley Forge. Valley Forge changed everything. It certainly changed my approach to various issues. For example, some have criticized the fact that my position on the suet subsidy has evolved, but I can honestly say that without suet we might never have survived . . . Valley Forge. Yes, Valley Forge changed my entire outlook on suet. Shall I tell you a little about my enjoyment of suet at Valley Forge?

Excuse me just a moment. Is that? Yes, it is: it's a courrier with a parchment from my wife. In the old days I might have ignored it until I'd finished my speech, but after Valley Forge, and in memory of Valley Forge, and because I hope to avoid any future Valley Forge -- where I was in charge, you know -- I always take my wife's messages.

Oh, look: she's writing from Valley Forge.

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“I Got Rid of the Toupe Because of 9/11.”

  1. Blogger Michael Reynolds Says:

    We had suet pie, suet ice cream, sauteed suet, suet en croute, suet seviche, suet under glass, shish-ka-suet, suet roll-ups, lemon suet, Szechuan suet, suet with a suet foam, suet casserole and suet cassoulet, suet salad, barbecue suet, suet slaw, suet en papilotte, marinated suet, suetccino, suet s'mores, suet spread, suet Diane, suet aux champignons, suet cheese and the entire Applebee's suet menu.

  2. Blogger Michael Reynolds Says:

    Suet fritata, suet bordelaise, suet sashimi, suet bran, diet suet, chocolate-covered suet, gluten-free suet, suet tapas, croque m'suet, suet with just a hint of treacle, suet a la mode, Peking suet, sparkling suet, suetinis, suet pasta, suet sous vide, suet grits, and General Tso's suet and suet in individual 100 calorie packs.

  3. Blogger Michael Reynolds Says:

    Suet chops, suet dogs, suetloaf, suet in a suet reduction, demi-suet, suet chili, freeze-dried suet, Little Debbie suet cakes, heirloom suet, deepwater suet, Rocky Mountain suet, suet bisque, suet roe, suet sausage, suet pizza, fat-free suet, suet sorbet, blanquette de suet, suet paella, free range suet, cruelty free suet, and yes, even bloomin' suet. Available at Outback Steak House.

  4. Blogger reader_iam Says:

    What, you're watching Forrest Gump while you waiting for someone else to comment on this post?

    ; )

  5. Blogger Michael Reynolds Says:

    Reader:

    Suet piccata, suet tapenade, suet omelet . . . someone stop me.

  6. Blogger reader_iam Says:

    There once was a lady named Suet
    Who everyone thought couldn't ...

    Never mind.

  7. Blogger reader_iam Says:

    Requested reinforcements... .

  8. Blogger BrianFH Says:

    ... duet.

  9. Blogger Pastor_Jeff Says:

    This comment has been removed by the author.

  10. Blogger Pastor_Jeff Says:

    Nike: Just Suet.

  11. Blogger Clovis Sangrail Says:

    Don't suet it!

  12. Blogger Clovis Sangrail Says:

    Blood, suet and tears.

  13. Blogger Clovis Sangrail Says:

    Suet sixteen.

  14. Blogger Transplanted Lawyer Says:

    Sorry to disrupt the suet-inspired whimsy, but Mike, are you saying that Washington didn't use Valley Forge to his advantage during his election campaign? Granted, campaigning was done through proxies back in the day, but the big appeal of Big George was that he was the Greatest Of All War Heroes Who Stuck It To The British. (Which today would be criticized as revisionism; after Valley Forge, Washington's best work during the war was organizing a retreat.) Big George had the advantage of running unopposed, but one of the reasons why no one ran against him was they weren't the heroes of Valley Forge, and George was.

  15. Blogger Internet Ronin Says:

    Don't suet the small stuff.

  16. Blogger Internet Ronin Says:

    "Oh! Suet mystery of life..."

  17. Blogger Callimachus Says:

    Sue and I sat down to tea
    and danish from a bakery;
    but what a hog she turned out to be:
    I ate one and suet three.

  18. Blogger Pastor_Jeff Says:

    Here's my story, sad but true
    It's about a pig that I once knew
    She ate her slop, then was ground
    Into every dish in town

    I should have known it right from the start,
    That fat would leave me with a clogged up heart;
    Listen up -- I'm telling you, don't do it;
    Keep away from-a Runaround Suet

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