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Unsuited For The Job.

Long day. Cranky. No big reason. Just . . . stuff.

Top Ten reasons why I should not be . . . well, you guess what these ten characteristics demonstrate.

1) I hate noise. Many years ago when I had noisy neighbors, I snuck around and threw their breaker. Then locked their breaker box. (Ah hah hah hah!) I have threatened people's health over noise.

2) I can't stand being harrassed. Leave me alone. Seriously: leave me alone.

3) I'm stupid and reckless with money. You don't even want to know. If you knew you would hate me.

4) I'm a workaholic. When I don't get my work done I'm sullen, withdrawn, and snappish. On a day when I do get my work done I'm merely sullen.

5) I'm a nightowl. The schedule in my brain goes like this: up at ten am, asleep at 2:00 am.

6) It's a struggle for me go ten minutes without dropping an F-bomb.

7) I cannot stand teachers. It's something about their voices. It's oil and water. Cats and dogs. Sunni and Shiites.

8) I'm a narcissist. Me. Me, me, me. It's all about me. Not someone else. Me.

9) I manage to be both a fascist and an anarchist. I demand that others follow the rules, and deny that they apply to me.

10) I believe school homework is about 95% pointless. As opposed to regular schoolwork which is only 80% pointless.

11) I eat too much, exercise too little, drink too much, read too little.

12) There are large swathes of my life that it's best I, um, gloss over.

13) Dropped out of high school because a teacher made me go back out the wrong door and come back in through the right door.

14) There is no Santa Claus. You should not expect me to pretend otherwise. You know why? Because Christmas is just a huge pain in the ass. (I have made repeated efforts to convince my extended family that at Christmas we should simply write each other a check for $20.00. We'd have given gifts, but spent no net money, and wasted no time at Target.)

15) Um . . .

16) Oh, right: I'm lousy at planning ahead.

17) If it were left entirely up to me I would move every year. So far I've had homes in 14 states (I'm promoting DC to statehood) and two foreign countries. My great regret is that it's not 30 states and 20 foreign countries.

18) Temper. Yes. Have one. Not a punching walls temper, more of a goddammit-what-the-hell temper.

19) I don't actually like people. To paraphrase Streisand, people who need people really need to stay the hell away from me.

20) If I had my way, every dinner would be in a fine restaurant, preferably one with a challenging tasting menu. It would last three hours. I would leave the restaurant just a bit sick, thoroughly hammered and broke.

For the answer to what I should not be, but am, see comments.

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“Unsuited For The Job.”

  1. Blogger Michael Reynolds Says:

    If you guessed "parent" you win.

    Long day with kids. Thank God for Scotch.

  2. Blogger Michael Reynolds Says:

    Yes, I know I actually did 20, not ten. I'm not an idiot.

  3. Blogger amba Says:

    I win.

    It wasn't rocket science.

  4. Blogger Michael Reynolds Says:

    It was the homework thing that gave it away, wasn't it?

    Tonight I find out I'm supposed to help Jake learn to be a colonial wheelwright. We're supposed to make a wheel.

    A wheel? I have to make a wheel? From the 1750's? Why can't I just teach him to make mixed drinks from the 1950's?

  5. Blogger Hallq Says:

    I was debating between "parent" and "children's author," leaning towards the former because of things involving personal interaction. But there's a case to be made...

  6. Blogger Hallq Says:

    ...wait a second, you think being up until 2 a.m. qualifies you as a night owl?...

    Now I understand why college didn't suit you.

  7. Blogger Dyre42 Says:

    I have that #12 problem too.

  8. Blogger Michael Reynolds Says:

    Chris:
    Oddly enough I'm well-suited to being a kidlit hack. From what I've learned so far, they're a fairly odd bunch of people. At least I can maintain the appearance of normalcy: sort of a high-functioning weirdo.

  9. Blogger Michael Reynolds Says:

    Dyre:
    So many great stories. That we don't want to tell to our children.

  10. Blogger Randy (Internet Ronin) Says:

    Yeah, the homework thing was a giveaway. Personally, I think the mixed drinks idea is far superior, but I'm not the one who is going to have to appear in superior court once the school informs child protective services about this new course of study.

  11. Blogger kreiz1 Says:

    Classic. Once again, my wife thinks you're brilliant.

  12. Anonymous Kevin Says:

    You pretty much could have stopped at 1 and 2, noise and harassment. I love my kids but sometimes I love peace and quiet more. Sadly those things are mutually exclusive.

  13. Blogger Michael Reynolds Says:

    Randy:
    Do they not understand that the last generation of Old Fashioned drinkers is dying off? That this cultural patrimony may be lost?

  14. Blogger Michael Reynolds Says:

    Kreiz:
    Please convey to your wife my admiration of her exquisite taste.

  15. Blogger Michael Reynolds Says:

    Kevin:
    They warn you about it, but nothing quite prepares you for the relentlessness of the noise and endless demands.

  16. Blogger Pastor_Jeff Says:

    Heh. Nobody's qualified for the job. It's a system run fools, optimists, and the inexperienced. About the time you figure it out, they're grown. But at least you can look forward to telling your kids how to raise theirs.

    I love the part about your son having to learn skills useful 300 years ago. You ought to tell the teacher he'll do it if she gives up her car, computer, whiteboard, textbooks and air conditioning to teach the way they did 300 years ago.

  17. Blogger Michael Reynolds Says:

    Jeff:
    You ought to tell the teacher he'll do it if she gives up her car, computer, whiteboard, textbooks and air conditioning to teach the way they did 300 years ago.

    Oh, no, that's too good. Get thee behind me.

  18. Blogger reader_iam Says:

    I sometimes get the distinct feeling that my son's school is trying to organize my life and manage my time; in other words, insist that the adults' lives fit into the kids', instead of the other way around, which strikes me as whacked, maybe because I was raised by parents of a generation that wouldn't have dreamt of putting with such foolishness. Yet here I am, a sheep.

    Drives me crazy, the school's demands and my being a sheep, both.

  19. Blogger Michael Reynolds Says:

    Reader:
    That is it exactly. Thank you. Exactly right.

    I spent 180 dollars and two hours of my life at Lowe's tonight, buying crap to make a fucking wheel. It's a prop, of course, that the school uses in a dog-and-pony-show where they raise money.

    You know what? I don't know how to make a wheel. My son doesn't, either. And I don't think anyone is going to learn anything from our PVC pipe and veneer wagon wheel.

    You put your finger on it, Reader. It's why I get pissy about it. I'm not the student. I have a job (of sorts) so stop assigning me work.

  20. Blogger Hallq Says:

    Re: "Oddly enough I'm well-suited to being a kidlit hack. From what I've learned so far, they're a fairly odd bunch of people. At least I can maintain the appearance of normalcy: sort of a high-functioning weirdo."

    How many of them are parents?

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