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Another Asshole Writing About Tuscany


Something of an improvement over my current view.

I had an all-truffle dinner. Sadly, not great truffles. But even a mediocre truffle is a truffle, and a truffle beats a Wendy's double-with-cheese every time. The appetizer degustation: bufala mozarella with truffles, a broccoli terrine with truffles, carpaccio with truffles, and toast with truffles. The secondi was sunny-side up eggs with truffles. Drop a morsel of bread onto the plate, cut a slice of egg and place atop the pane, make sure to position a slice of truffle on top of all that, and oh yeah, baby.

For desert a bit of chocolate with orange. A glass of desert wine whose name escapes me, but which reminded me of a subtler Tokay. And the inevitable -- and who would want to evit it -- espresso.

Why do I tell you this? To earn your hatred. Oooh, let it wash over me, I will wash it away with a super Tuscan.

Spent the day yesterday with a Brit looking at houses. Spent today with an Aussie looking at houses. My bartender was an Aussie as well. The streets are full of gaggles of American girls whose blue-jeaned asses I dutifully contemplate, and who return my leers with smiles that say, "You remind me of my dad. Or Lex Luthor."

I've gone to the total shaved-head thing. I look like an albino turtle. It's cold here, so I go about in a long, navy topcoat, with a graphite scarf, grown-up slacks and miserably uncomfortable shoes, all of which disappear in the gloom of night, so that I end up looking like a floating hard-boiled egg with glasses.

Buona sera. Io sono Lex Luthor. Io sono Yertle il trataruga albino.

I think the waiter was an actual Italian, but he was such an over-the-top parody I suspect he might be an American acting student. I can't prove it. "I'm a do-a this-a to-a prepare-a the glass for-a the wine."

Naturally, I try to communicate with the locals, using what I know of the Italian language, all of which I learned from Chico Marx. "Why a duck? Why-a no chicken? Atsa matter for you?"

Best thing about looking at houses in Tuscany? There are two kinds of views: beautiful, and Jesus, that's really beautiful.

Olive trees? Oh yeah, they've got olive trees. And grapevines. Also castles. Looked at a house that's down the hill from the Frescobaldi castle, in a former watchtower. If I rent the house I'll have to sign an agreement to take the Frescobaldis as my liege lords. And I gather I'll have to supply three men-at-arms or six archers in the event of war with Chianti.

Best news so far? I wanted to see if I could download US television. I signed onto Hulu and tried to load a House. It turns out you can't access Hulu from outside the US. So I called the kid. 5 minutes later I was downloading from Hulu. Lex Jr. came through.

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“Another Asshole Writing About Tuscany”

  1. Blogger Ruth Anne Adams Says:

    Do you think they'd settle for one man-at-arms and four archers? Six is gonna' be tough.

    Is there a Tuscan equivalent to Olive Garden [the restaurant]?

  2. Blogger Randy (Internet Ronin) Says:

    Let us know when you find the house, and make sure it has plenty of bedrooms, because your readers have organized a deep-discount flight to Firenze in September. It's amazing the rates to be had once the group size exceeds 50.

    And a large car, Michael. We need a large car, perhaps a small bus would be best. None of those mini Fiats, please.

  3. Anonymous wj Says:

    Do I have to bring my own broadsword and armor, if I'm signing on as one of the men-at-arms? I've got a set of armor, of course -- and it fits, which most sets don't. And the sword is real steel, not any of that pot-metal crap you see. But the right elbow joint needs maintenance if I'm going to be using it.

    P.S. The bad news is, nobody seems to be hating you for the opportunity you have. Do you suppose that's just because we all intend to come visit?

  4. Blogger Alan Stewart Carl Says:

    Wouldn't say hate. Deeply, deeply envy to the point of wanting to do tou physical harm, sure ... but not hate.

    It's legal to ship wine to Texas, btw. Just saying...

  5. Blogger Transplanted Lawyer Says:

    ...And it's also legal to ship wine to California. I'm just sayin'.

    Never fear, I'll stand at the ready in the event Volterra refuses to submit and you need to bring troops to the field. (Now, if I could just remember where I put my crossbow.) I'll not take up arms against the Versilia, though; I'm sure that the Duke of Urbino would understand why.

  6. Blogger amba Says:

    The kid. Lex Jr. He's your mini-me and maxi-me in one.