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The official indictment of Barack Obama:

Charge: A Failure to Bore.

The Specifications: That he did knowingly, and with malice aforethought, deliver speeches that were eloquent and moving. And that said eloquence is in part a result of his refusal to repeat the many policy statements freely available on his web site.

The Remedy: Mr. Obama must cease and desist from attempts to elevate political discourse and return to the dry recitation of a laundry list of details tailored to the specific needs of various interest groups. (See various State of the Union speeches.)

Charge: A Failure to Footnote.

The Specifications: That he did use elevating and inspiring language formerly used by a politician, Deval Patrick, with whom Mr. Obama shares a political consultant. That he has in the past credited that source -- and Mr. Patrick has no complaint -- but in more recent times has failed to sufficiently footnote his speech. This grave failure to deploy asterisks has led to the suspicion that Mr. Obama uses . . . speechwriters! And that those speechwriters sometimes repeat themselves.

The Remedy: Source all portions of the speech. "According to Google, approximately 652,000 people have said, 'Yes, we can!' And today, ladies and gentlemen, or, excuse me, as many before me have said, 'today ladies and gentlemen,' I am proud to become the 652,001st person to say, 'Yes, we can.' Unless someone else also said it in the last few seconds. Plus, that 'I am proud to become" line? I stole that."

The Charge: Stupid Spouse Statements.

The Specifications: That Michelle Obama failed to state clearly that she has always been and always will be proud of her country no matter what, so there. In this Michelle Obama reveals herself as totally unsuited for the unelected, unofficial, uncompensated position of first lady, and a complete break with a long tradition of perfect first ladies.

The Remedy: Michelle Obama should be tossed into the river. If she floats she's a witch. Or maybe it's if she sinks. Either way, into the river with her.

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