1) Attack the media which McCain used to refer to as his "base!"

2) Cancel the convention!

3) Run ads so dishonest even Karl Rove was going, "Dude, whoa!"

4) Pick an ignoramus as Vice President!

5) Lipstick hysteria! 

6) Pretend to suspend the campaign!

7) Parachute in and blow up the all-but-finalized bail-out deal!

8) Rush off to a debate you said you wouldn't attend unless there was a deal on the bailout which there wasn't probably because you demagogued the thing and then go to the debate anyway and act like an asshole by refusing to be civil to your opponent!

Surprisingly . . . surprisingly, I say . . . McCain's poll numbers are still slipping.  It seems McCain's, "Fuck the country, I wanna be president," campaign style has not impressed the voters.

Hmmm.

So, what crazy-ass gambit will the creature who has eaten John McCain come up with next?

As always, I'm here to help.  So my suggestions, in no particular order:

1) Trade his suits for a stars-and-stripes leotard and when Obama refuses to do the same, accuse him of hating America.

2) Replace Sarah Palin with the Chocolate Rain guy and take credit for first African-American Veep candidate.  

3) Accuse Michelle Obama of selling oxycodone to Cindy.

4) Break into National Archive, sign his own name to Declaration of Independence and pretend it was there all along.  (Leak plan to conservative blogs so they can denounce John Hancock as a lying liberal.)

5) Replace Chocolate Rain guy with Leave Britney Alone guy/girl and claim credit for first cross-dressing Veep candidate.  

6) Suspend breathing unless Obama legally changes name to Osama.

7) Replace Leave Britney Alone guy/girl with Dramatic Hamster.  Claim credit for picking Veep candidate at least twice as convincing as Sarah Palin.