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Clearing The Air For 2009

Like passengers on the Titanic scrambling for the last life vest Republicans have been grasping at the Blogojevich scandal hoping, praying, floundering, gulping salt water and sobbing sad little prayers to their big-haired Crystal Cathedral deity, hoping against hope that somehow the Blagojoshit would rub off on Obama.

Remember how solemnly Republicans talked about the need to reconstitute, reinvent, rethink their party? Remember all the post-election chin-stroking? Oh, there were definitely some white-guy chins being stroked. Brows were furrowed. There was nodding. Sage nodding. Thoughtful, sage, furrowed nodding of middle-aged, balding heads.

But then, salvation! Blago! Yay!

And while the People of the United States of America rattled with fear of unemployment and recession and maybe even depression and loss of health insurance and contemplated the question of whether hobos could have cell phones, Republicans leapt! Airborne! They hurtled through the sky like supermen! And grabbed greedily at Blago's hair and wrapped it around them, a shaggy, helmetish armor and cried, "Thank You, Jesus-uh, for verily we no longer need to go forth into the wilderness-uh and we can return to our homes in talk radio (-uh) and verily shall we issue slanders and lies and implications and wild speculations and . . ."

And thus, in our Nation's hour of need we will earn the people's trust by telling them that what really matters is not their job, not their health care, not their taxes, not their children's education, not their future, not them at all really. Because, let's be honest: fuck the people. What matters to the GOP, what MATTERS is that we have an excuse to distract and divide and obscure and that, my fellow Americans, THAT is why you should elect us, The Republicans. Because only the GOP can completely ignore the fact that your life has been hopelessly, terrifyingly fucked up. By . . .

Well, um . . . by liberals.

Liberals like George W. Bush. And his cabinet. And his vice president. His chairman of the SEC. His ideology. Which, until, oh, about six months ago we loudly claimed was our sacred and perfected conservative ideology but which is now revealed (hallelujah!) to have been liberalism. Cleverly disguised as conservatism by the fact that every liberal hated it and every conservative loved it. Loudly.

So, allow us to summarize the case for the Republican Party: In the last eight years we have so thoroughly screwed the country that Jesus Christ floating down from heaven scattering 20 trillion (with a "T") dollars in small bills couldn't save it.

But wait, there's more! After seven years we Republicans have absolutely failed to catch or kill Osama Bin Laden! Now what would you pay? Despite the fact that under the GOP the United States of America has become a nation that tortures. Torture and trashing of major portions of the Constitution and yet (I blame liberals) the men who flew airplanes into the Pentagon and the World Trade Center are still laughing at us from their homes in our Good Friend And Ally Pakistan.

Amazingly not even gay-bashing, luddite attacks on science and dog-whistle racism have brought our enemies to heel. Hmmm. Rumsfeld and Gonzales are gone and Cheney and Bush are on their way out, and yet, guess who the fuck is still right where he was seven years ago? Tall guy? Beard? Enjoys watching Americans leaping to their deaths from flaming skyscrapers?

Yes, my fellow Americans, we in the GOP have ass-fucked the economy, bent this country over without so much us a reach-around, reamed this country and bankrupted your children yea unto the seventh generation, and tortured, and failed to destroy our enemies, and failed to exact vengeance for 9/11, and failed to maintain our alliances, and failed to deal with Social Security and Medicare and infrastructure and energy -- and as a bonus, if you act now, we'll do a flyover of a drowning American city -- but that's not the point. None of that is the point. The point is that Governor Hair is a scumbag.

Oh, and fags want to get married. Can you believe that shit? And what of Terri Schiavo?

So, as you can see, you should forget the fact that we Republicans are the party of such staggering, demonstrated, incontrovertible incompetence that in a fair and just world we'd be tarred and feathered (and not figuratively), and rolled off a fucking cliff (also not figuratively), forget the sickening fear you feel, forget the nagging night-and-day stress that eats you alive when you think of what will happen if one of your kids gets sick and how the hell you're going to hold onto your underwater mortgage if you lose your job, and focus instead on the fact that millionaire loudmouths on the radio have implied that both Blagojevich and Obama are (gasp!) from Illinois.

The party of Lincoln, ladies and gentlemen. The Grand Old Party. Here to save you from Rod Blagojevich and homos. And that's what you need. Right?

The Republican party has driven this country into a ditch and now they want to sit on the side of the road cheap-shotting the guys sweating and straining to haul us the fuck out. We have a new definition of chutzpah.

Now. We will get through this. We will. Because we are the Americans. We are the greatest people on earth. We are the heros of the modern world. And even our corrupt, imbecilic politicians can't defeat us. But let's remember, okay? Let's remember what the Republican party did, and what they are doing now. Remember who was driving the car when it went into the ditch, and who broke their backs to tow us back out.

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“Clearing The Air For 2009”

  1. Blogger Transplanted Lawyer Says:

    As a nominal Republican who has come close to what you so roundly criticize, let me be clear that my comment was only that it is insufficient for Obama and his people to acquit themselves of the taint of Blagojevich's corruption.

    And Blagojevich is corrupt. Now, pointing that out does not exonerate the immediate past leaders of the GOP from their own corruption, or of the well-earned accusations of incompetence. But I still haven't seen anyone offer any substantial defense of the accusation that Blagojevich tried to sell the Senate appointment to the highest bidder, which is obnoxious.

  2. Blogger Michael Reynolds Says:

    I should be clear: Blago is a bottom-dwelling slug and should (after a fair trial) spend the next 10-20 in one of Illinois' many fine prisons.

    I certainly don't intend you as a target of this criticism. You have been steadfastly against torture (a subject on which I have wavered embarrassingly), you're devoted to gender equality, somewhat skeptical (ahem) of the religious right, and you do actually want to find a way to rescue the Republican party from its weaknesses and help relaunch it as the party of smaller government, modesty and realism in foreign policy, low taxes, pro-growth and libertarian instincts. A party which I'd probably join, by the way.