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Jihad Care

Friday, August 17, 2007 by Michael Reynolds

People who know me know one thing about me: I strive above all else to be helpful. And it is in that spirit that I put forward a proposal I'm calling: Jihad Care.

Our country is plagued by two seemingly disconnected problems: high medical expenses, and guys blowing themselves up for Allah. It's said that genius is the ability to see a connection where none has been perceived before. I hesitate to claim the mantle of genius but . . . well, you be the judge.

A big part of the problem of high medical expenses involves extending expensive care to people who won't be getting the bills. If you see what I'm saying. People whose mail will soon be forwarded to "executor." Goners. Toastitos. Purchasers of farms. The pre-dead, as I believe they're known in medical circles.

We can't just suddenly increase their pain medication in a way that would provide blessed, permanent relief because that, well, that would be immoral. And coincidentally, injurious to the medical establishment's bottom line.

The problem of guys blowing themselves up for Allah seems equally intractable. Until you look closely at their motivation. What is it they really want? What is it that they need? Stop! I'm not asking what their politically ambitious leaders want, but what the individual martyr needs from the act of auto-immolation.

I think we know the answer: tail. It's all about the virgins. It's all about the fascinating if Porky's-two-ish doctrine of a vast celestial Hooters where every waitress is a virgin and they're all yours for the asking.

The Osamas and Zawahiris tell these confused young men that in order to reach the great Mustang-Ranch-In-The-Sky they have to carry out spectacular acts of destruction. But this is false. The only legal requirement for expedited entry into the prophet's hospitality suite is that in the act of blowing themselves up, they take out a crusader or two.

Do you begin to see where I'm going?

On the one hand large numbers of terminal patients who would, with very few exceptions, welcome a quick, painless exit. Particularly if it meant serving their country. And on the other hand, large numbers of horny, delusional religious fanatics with a crazy-person grasp of Muslim theology.

People, it's a simple matter of matching up one from colum 'A' and one from column 'B.'

We'd slash medical expenses. And because we'd know where and when to expect the jihadis, we'd slash security expenses. There would be an initial investment in regional explodatoriums, but that would be small change compared to the savings.

There. My work is done. I'll let you know where to mail my Nobel.

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